my jaundiced eye

the absurdities of life

Month: March, 2015

bring on the burka

Burka

The other day MJE was strolling through the park when she happened upon a woman of a certain age dressed in short shorts and a tank top. That’s not the noteworthy part, it’s that this woman was a walking talking tower of cellulite. And I mean stem to stern. I am always envious of people who have such a positive self-image that they will bare parts of their bodies regardless of their condition, seemingly unaware or indifferent to how revolting their appearance is to other people.

I myself can barely look at my ankles without a shudder. Forget thighs, stomach, upper arms or decolletage. It has been years since I donned a pair of shorts or a skirt and a bating suit is so far beyond the realm of possibility that it might as well be a suit of chain mail. Then I thought, what about a burka! I know it’s a symbol of Islamic misogyny but talk about no hassle. First you can wear the same one everyday and who’s the wiser, no one even knows what’s under there. Imagine the freedom! Good bye exfoliating, shaving, waxing or plucking. No more costly cuts and color or blow outs, hell you don’t even have to wash your hair if you don’t feel like it. Sayonara, free weights, exercise class, or a healthy diet, although I do wonder how those women eat, maybe they carry around a camel back loaded with ensure. Kiss off all those expensive creams and potions and no more botox, laser treatments or facial peels. All of that falls away under that shroud of polyester. Who knew that something so repressive could be so liberating! I know what you’re thinking, under a burka a woman is reduced to a non-entity. But if that’s what it takes to never have to shave my legs again I am down with it. In fact I am going to http://www.islamhateswomen.com right now and order a couple.

RIP

RIP-1

MJE was perusing the obits the other day and was surprised at just how many people kick the bucket every day. FYI, it’s a lot. Curiously, out of all of the deceased only one person “died” (but it was peacefully.) All of the others’ expirations were euphemized in the blandest terms.  “Passed away” and “passed on,” despite being the least imaginative were the most popular expressions of choice. “Entered into eternal rest/peace/heaven” was a distant second followed by, in no particular order, “ascended to heaven/heaven’s gate”, “was called home”, “was called from above and brought home”, and “went home with his lord and savior.” The boldest choice was Eddie “Bit” Martin who “transitioned from the physical life to the spiritual realm” which seems a good deal of verbiage just to say Bit bit it.

The nicknames and memorable life factoids of the departed are a fun feature of the obits, “Maw Maw Francis” (a graduate of Katie’s Beauty College), Edward “Charlie” “Wookam” Joseph (whose worldly achievements were limited to a vast number of offspring), Joseph “Turkey” Starring (his favorite activity was working on the CHS barbeque), and Donald “Bulldog” Fernandez (a proud member of the Local 406 Union and the Invincible Masonic Lodge No 360).

One of the creepier sections is birthday wishes from family and friends to their dearly departed. It seems to me that once you’re dead you shouldn’t have to be troubled with birthdays, anniversaries, or any other guilt inducing holidays. You don’t have to worry about back taxes, overdraft protection, colonoscopies, unused frequent flier miles, the check motor light on your dashboard, that pledge to PBS that you never paid, or your grandchildren’s orthodontia bills. You’ve earned your eternal rest, so a note to those left behind:    Do not disturb.

the visitation

the visitation-1

The OB&C and I have just survived the double trauma of his hernia repair and the visitation of my sister, Shalleaux and her husband Duhl. She is a professional flake who also goes by the name “Aziza,” Tibetan for Narcissistic Dope. Duhl is a lapsed lawyer who has the charisma of the Rain Man but less personality. Shalleaux has traveled the globe for thirty years conducting “workshops.” No one in the family knows what she teaches in these workshops because no one cares enough to ask. But apparently there is an endless supply of gullibles willing to pay for her sage advice on life. Duhl, a Boston Brahmin long ago ditched his expensive ivy education to build sub-standard houses in New Hampshire.

Her annual visits always start with a call on hermit brother Joey. Several years ago he somewhat oddly declared that he should be referred to as Joseph I. I suppose at the tender age of forty he decided that he wasn’t getting enough respect and a name upgrade might change that. Who wouldn’t respect a middle aged guy who blew off his education, hasn’t worked a day in his life and has spent most of his adulthood in an isolated house drawing doodles and taking care of his cat.

But let’s not forget the OB&C’s hernia! Last week he had a colonoscopy, which you would have thought was a heart lung transplant. A hernia was like manna from heaven, akin to a case of ebola. Having Shalleaux and Duhl in residence was an added burden which you might have thought they would forgo, considering, but the lure of free room and board was too tempting. However Shalleaux assured me that they would be “quiet as mice.” I don’t want mice either.

Yesterday was St. Paddy’s day and I cooked corned beef and cabbage. Shalleaux bounced into the kitchen and asked what I was cooking. When I told her, she was totally bewildered, “Like corned beef hash?” No, corned beef brisket, which I held aloft. From the look on her face you would have thought I was braising a side of hippo.

Upon returning from their day foisting themselves on other relatives Shalleaux inquired as to how my irish stew was coming along.

doin’ the harvey hustle

harvey hustler pic 3:10:15

Once again MJE has to tip her hat to the local rag for providing an engaging topic. The front page piece drew attention to the arrest of a number of members of an extremely violent gang called the “Harvey Hustlers,” (I hope their first victim was whoever came up with that name, sounds like a line dancing club) a dangerous group of bad asses that have terrorized parts of the city for years. The charges ranged from intent to distribute this or that illegal substance, to racketeering, attempted murder, actual murder, carjacking, rape, assault, etc. Of particular note was hustler Davante Gumms who was charged with five counts of attempted second-degree murder. FIVE! For god’s sake get this guy a learning specialist and a bottle of Ritalin to help him stay on task.

Several of the hustlers were charged with cruelty to juveniles. Holy crap, didn’t know that was against the law. MJE sure dodged a bullet on that one.