my jaundiced eye

the absurdities of life

Month: November, 2015

BYOT

BYOT.jpgStephen Colbert had a rant the other night about the GOPers going nucking futs in their insane attempts to out Islamophobe one another. Their first volley was that we don’t have enough vetting to prevent Syrian terrorists from getting into the country despite the two year long vetting program that’s already in place. Therefore we absolutely do not want to grant asylum to any Syrians, who are themselves being terrorized, no way no how. Not even small children who are orphans, because they are almost certainly also terrorists.

Well Stephen, in this case I have to regrettably admit that MJE is onboard with the GOPer’s “children can be terrorists too” argument. It just so happens that we have a home grown three year old terrorist in our very family. None other than “she who must be obeyed”, Decibelle. You think negotiating with ISIS is impossible, fuggetaboutit. I would personally bet Donald Trump’s hair product allotment on our pint sized stick of dynamite being able to bring ISIS to its knees, beg for mercy and become Episcopalians. And fast. God bless John Kerry, but you gotta fight fire with fire and Decibelle is a fricking inferno.

Case in point, son Knot comes home from work and walks into the den to kiss his little yum yum and to lovingly inquire as to how her day went. Decibelle is, come d’habitude, completely absorbed in some piece of Disney tripe that she has seen a thousand times. Instead of jumping up and running to her dear father and giving him a hug and a kiss she, without turning her head or saying a word, simply points her finger toward the door in dismissal. If that doesn’t send a strong enough message she utters one word. Out.

To this MJE says. Oh no you don’t! Clamp down on the kid! To which Knot says they do but she just clamps down harder. And she has the endurance of a drugged up Lance Armstrong. In the end Knot says he usually just throws in the towel and ends up apologizing to her. MJE ain’t clairvoyant but this is not going to be pretty. Wait until she’s twelve. Knot and his wife will probably cash in all their airline miles, decamp for the middle east, join ISIS and feel like they’re at Club Med.

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si triste

si triste

MJE had a post ready to publish earlier this week on her utter confusion regarding the seemingly countless number of factions fighting and killing each other in the middle east. It was supposed to be a caricature of the whole state of affairs, but given what happened in Paris this week end it doesn’t seem so funny now.

However, the final takeaway from the piece still stands:

‘It all boils down to “my god’s better than your god. “And that’s a pissing match that’s been going on since man dreamed him up in the first place.’

is it now yet

is it now yet

I was shopping online for a new wall clock for our kitchen. It’s been 3:27 pm for the last two weeks and even though I know that before I even look at the damned thing I am still caught off guard every time. It’s like when I’ve used the last staple in my stapler, and get that empty click sound. I know it’s bound to happen sometime but it always irritates me to the point of wanting to crush the thing with a shovel. But back to the subject at hand, so MJE is finger walking the aisles of amazon when I come across this ad at the top of the page:

Pointells Dementia, Alzheimer’s, Memory Loss Clock

It sort of makes it sound like it’s a clock that counts down to when you will be stricken with the above afflictions. Talk about a bummer appliance. But with that provocative come on, who could resist double clicking on it just to clarify? Unless of course you are already suffering from dementia, alzheimer’s or memory problems, which obviously I am not. Am I? Well sort of, but my mental lapses, if any, are most likely the result of being a seasoned sot.

The full description of the aforementioned clock is as follows:

Pointells Extra-Large Digital Calendar Day Clock with Non-Abbreviated Day, Month & Date – Ideal Clock for the Elderly & Those Struggling with Memory Loss

Talk about a dynamite marketing strategy! Who doesn’t have some old fart or brainless wonder you need to shop for? Think how thrilled the recipient of this thoughtful gift will be when they read (in extra large type) for whom this clock was created.

Perfect for your mother-in-law.

the joys of burdenhood

the joys of burdenhood

Well it has been a difficult stretch chez MJE. The OB&C and I have been desperately trying to extricate ourselves from our daughter Albatross’s lifelong self-induced financial plight. A pretty bad seed  from the get go she has blossomed through the years into an extremely onerous and invasive plant. She has, however produced two wonderful children, which is about as miraculous as the immaculate conception. And of course grand children are the ultimate insurance policy. Lifetime coverage.

Loyal readers are familiar with one of the children, Bandoliera-Saturnalia whom we raised and who has now graduated from college and flown off to New York to break into the art biz. That is not quite as easy as it seemed from the comfort of her apartment above our garage. She did luck into some great digs on Bleecker Street, which she is enjoying immensely. It goes without saying that it’s on our dime. But she at least is somewhat gainfully employed at one of those stores that sell absurdly priced “bohemian” clothing and faux vintage stuff. Sadly, she is partial to both of those and I suspect will never bring home any actual money. But man she and her apartment will be lookin’ good!

But back to Albatross, as I may have mentioned in a previous post, one day shy of B-S’s 17th birthday, just when we thought our necks might be unburdened, the aforementioned up and produced another child, Krylon. A sweet and bright boy, the OB&C was immediately smitten. And god knows (which theoretically he should and for which he earns a major black mark in my book) it’s not his fault he is saddled with Albatross as a mother. As dark and inventive as MJE’s imagination is even I cannot conjure up what sort of wildly dysfunctional world he might inhabit.

The OB&C and I are footing the bill for a private school for Krylon (with roughly the same tuition as Princeton) so he might have a fleeting glimpse of what “normal” people are like. However, normal in northern CA would never pass muster in most other places. Case in point, the school refuses to celebrate Columbus Day, choosing instead to celebrate Indigenous People day. Well sunbeams, have you ever seen sears or home depot offer blockbuster deals during their indigenous people day sales?

And so the noose remains tightly knotted until MJE and the OB&C firmly resolve to cut it and let Krylon’s chips fall where they may. When we do, if given the option we’d like to have it done by guillotine if possible.

toddler shoots grandma

toddler shoots grandma2

Dateline: Rock Hill, SC

MJE came upon this bit of news the other day and it struck her (although certainly not as hard as the aforementioned grandma) as pretty disturbing. Sweet ole granny’s lugging around her grandson to walmart and the like while his parents are god knows where, and what does she get for that good deed? The kid reaches down and plucks a fully loaded .357 magnum from behind granny’s seat and does what any normal toddler would do, pulls the trigger and shoots her. What the hell? The first lesson in gun safety is if you are going to shoot someone in a car, do not shoot the driver. That’s so basic I don’t think I should even need to bring it up, but obviously the kid had not read the manual (maybe the NRA ought to publish an easy reader on gun safety in vehicles). But to be fair, she was pretty much the only available target unless he wanted to pick off some hapless passers-by in the next lane.

You will be comforted by the fact that the Rock Hill police are all over this incident:

“The gun should have never been that accessible,” Rock Hill police captain Mark Bollinger said, adding, “It is possible, for having the gun in the wrong location and easily accessible to a child, there could even be some child safety laws in violation. Our detectives will be working with the solicitor’s office to determine what, if any, charges will come of this.”

Yeah, Cap, do check into the possibility that some child safety laws might have been violated. And while you’re at it, take a look at grandma safety law violations too. The sheriff is also investigating whether the kid was in a car seat as required by SC law. If he wasn’t, then woe be poor ole grandma cause she’s gonna be looking at some hard time in the Rock Hill clink. As soon as she gets out of the hospital.