my jaundiced eye

the absurdities of life

Month: December, 2015

what’s a santa to do

what's a santa to do

MJE is extremely disturbed about what is fast becoming an existential crisis that will adversely affect every parent of every lousy brat on the planet. I’m not talking about global warming, that’s chump change compared to the apocalypse on our very doorstep.

Think about it…you’ve got the holiday season nipping at your ass. This is the most wonderful time of year for you and your family. Right? It’s all candy canes and gingerbread but more importantly it’s the one time of the year when you have real leverage over your insufferable rug rats. But these happy times will soon be but a dim memory. Coal mines are closing down and coal companies going bankrupt faster than you can figure out what country king wenseslas was ruling and what the what the feast of stephen’s has to do with the price of pretzels. It’s all well and good to talk about alternative energy sources but when you get down to the real nitty gritty, with what are you going to threaten the godforsaken little monsters? A propane tank in their stockings?

Frankly, it just doesn’t have the same cachet, plus the damned things are heavy as lead. And you know that sure as shootin’ they’re going to yank the nails smack out of the mantle, hit the floor like a ton of bricks and leave a divot the size of a baskeball in your hardwood floor. Now MJE does not believe the apocalypse is nigh, I’m not hoarding evaporated milk and MRE’s, oh no, I’m going to corner the market on a much more valuable commodity. As the holidays approach I am going to spend my time moseying along the nearest train track keeping a sharp eye out for the last stray lumps of coal that may have fallen off the final fossil fuel load.

Then MJE’s gonna sell them for top dollar on ebay. And boy will I have an eager buyer. Just how much is your sacroiliac worth to you, santa?

isis inc

isis inc

 

MJE has just learned that an Isis budget for the month of October from one of the provinces it controls was smuggled out and released to the press. Turns out, even isis has bean counters. It reads like a spread sheet from IBM for god’s sake. Who knew they used Quickbooks Pro Desktop 2015, Excel and US dollars as their currency of choice. I guess they hate everything about us except our technology and our money. Whatever.

Only about a third of their revenue comes from oil smuggled out of the country. The other revenues are generated by kidnapping ransoms, seizures of property, theft, blackmail and assorted other petty crimes. They’re like the crips, but with allah as their co-pilot. And can’t you just hear the monthly budget meeting, when the poor al’abalah responsible for kidnapping revenues misses his monthly goal. “Abdullah, what the quran??? You’re down 14% from last month! What are you guys doing out there, chewing qat and pitching tent poles under your thobes? You have got to get out there and hustle man, people aren’t going to kidnap themselves! And Haytham, I see you back there trying to slink out of the tent. Can you please tell me how you managed to let that filthy rich Masruq off for a lousy $10,000 in blackmail dough. I told you nothing less than $25,000 for that gasbag with his off shore accounts in Barbados and Bermuda. You are pathetic. Let it happen again and you are going to be one hand short, my little fariq.”

“Okay Qasim, what is this $125,000 expense for Kalashnikovs? That is insanely over budget!” “But boss, remember we ordered those cheap reconditioned ones on alibaba last month and they were worthless. You get what you pay for. And I really don’t think we want to project the image of terrorists who are waging jihad on the cheap, do you?”

“Well, you have a point. We’re not like those feckless American imperialist stooges who just print more money, generate ever-larger deficits and end up kicking the yumkin alqsdyr down the road for their children to deal with. I am proud to say that we actually work within a balanced budget and take fiscal responsibility just as seriously as we do killing apostates. So back to work, and remember to make every dinar count.”

the henpecked terrorist

the henpecked terrorist.jpg

Achmed, get your sorry muslim ass out here! WTF??? Is this the sum total of pipe bombs you’ve made this week???? Seriously, what are you doing out here, playing fantasy fatwa? You tubing your Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi imitation? Binge turban shopping on Alibaba? Again. Are you a terrorist or a terrier because I really can’t tell the difference.

And you call this a pipe bomb? Give me a break. Didn’t I tell you to follow the instructions in Inspire Magazine to the letter? Well? I’m waiting…. The answer is no you did not. As usual you couldn’t stay on task and you cut corners you lazy ass American. I do not care if your imam says you are ADHD, you have a job to do and you had better get your head in the game. I did not fly all the way from Islamabad for 20 hours in the middle seat of the last row on that lousy Air Arabia, which by the way has a worse safety record than Malaysia Air, to come to allah forsaken San Bernadino to babysit a wanna be.

I had my pick of the litter! Muslim Mingling is chock full of pathetic socially awkward guys who can’t get a girl and are ripe for recruiting to the cause. And I chose you Achmed. Abdul told me you’d be trouble, but I stood up for you, I said, no he has real potential. And this is what I get? I could have assembled this heap of crap in my burqa with my eyes shut.

Now get back to work, Mecca’s Real Housewives is on and I am dying to find out if Fairuzah and Mahjabeen get into another cat fight.

terror r us

terror r us

Okay so MJE is now officially totally and royally pissed off at the goddam terrorists. What is it with these people, why can’t they sit in their basements watching pornography and masturbating like normal guys. Really. Think about the time and effort it takes to schlep out to a gun show in some godforsaken deserted strip mall to buy a couple of assault rifles, then schlep to Walmart to buy 50 round clips of hollow point bullets, then schlep to toys R us to get a remote control toy car for your IED and then on to the plumbing supply joint for the pipes for your bomb. That’s a whole fricking day of running around! Of course with the exception of the guns, you can probably order it all online and if you’re an Amazon Prime member have it on your doorstep in 48 hours, free shipping included.

Then there’s the whole execution thing. You gotta spend hours figuring out how to put pipe bombs together without blowing yourself up (imagine the stress!), then slap on hotter than hell (and frankly unflattering) bullet proof vests and balaclava helmets, load all those heavy-as-lead guns, bombs, detonators and ammo into the back of the minivan. And boy you better be able to pack like a pro to get all that stuff in there!

Then you gotta go kill a lot of innocent people that you probably don’t even know. And the kicker is you have to pretty much accept that it’s also going to be your last day on earth and be prepared to kiss your ass goodbye. Which is a really good thing or a really bad thing, depending on your perspective. Well MJE says good luck with getting your hands on those forty virgins buddy.

In the old days MJE’s fear was running into someone who was self-actualized and being bored to death at a cocktail party not someone who is self-radicalized and being blown to smithereens while enjoying a boozy lunch. Although, truth be told, if my last breath has the whiff of gin on it I’m okay with that.

Last week everyone had the holy jitters about going to Paris. But terror is a lot closer than that.