my jaundiced eye

the absurdities of life

Month: April, 2016

is frank feeling the bern?

is frank feeling the bern

Bernie’s headed to the Vatican! Holy cow, did anybody bother to tell him that there aren’t any delegates there? Maybe he’s he hoping for a bit of divine intervention in the upcoming primaries? Or trying to woo the roman catholic vote? Well good luck with that, since he’s loudly pro-choice which I’m guessing is a deal breaker with that crowd. Plus he’s not even going to meet with il papa, and I hate to tell him but the line to get into the Sistine chapel is going to eat up the better part of a day. The good news (I guess in the Vatican all news is the good news) is that MJE knows a great trattoria about two blocks away. The tagliatelle alla boscaiola is to die for.

So what gives? I guess bernie’s a major frank fanboy. His battle cry that inequality is the root of all evil is a clear shout out to the catholic (or as is pronounced in new orleans “cat-lick”) handbook. MJE’s gonna give bernie a hall pass on that one, because hey he’s jewish, so from what does he know to quote the bible? Actually the good book, for Christians that is, says that the love of money is the root of all evil (1 timothy 6:10). see: trump, donald j. Or maybe he’s just had it up to his crazy hair with the whole “who’s qualified” to be president fracas he’s been waging with Hillary. God knows (hence the visit to the Vatican) the exhausted geezer needs a time out, grab a few days to chillax, take in the highlights of rome (MJE offers a bit of advice. Get a really good guide, it’s so worth the money, especially if you’re pressed for time.) eat some divine (ha ha) italian food, wash it down with a good chianti and maybe go wild and finish the evening with an ice cold limoncello. Talk about feeling the bern.

MJE looks forward to seeing bernie’s instagram pix of the trip and desperately hopes that there’s a selfie with frank in there somewhere.

 

 

life’s   $#@!!*?^& frustrations

life's ……..  frustrations

MJE feels a certain twisted desire to burst the bubble of that small subset of humans who blithely accept life’s endless disappointments, frustrations and irritants calmly and with good humor. What gives with these insensitive pollyannas? Being a glass half empty (and would it kill you to put it in the dishwasher for god’s sake) kinda gal, I suspect MJE suffers many more irksome botherations in everyday existence than most due to an extremely low tolerance for anything annoying.

Things like the old person ahead of you in the grocery line who decides she’ll write a check (holy 1955, batman!) for her goods. It’s not bad enough that she waits until she is all rung up and bagged up to rummage around in her massive pocketbook for her checkbook and a pen, she then takes longer than Dostoevsky took writing War and Peace to fill out the damned thing in the painstakingly delicate cursive of yesteryear. That is naturally followed by the subsequent tedious search for a proof of identity etc., during which she discovers a 25 cents off coupon for that can of cocktail weenies she bought and the whole process starts all over again. I don’t know about you but after having to endure this proceeding for what feels like eons, MJE has to consciously squelch the overwhelming desire to wrench that pen out of her haggard hand, give her a goddam quarter, load her bags into the shopping cart, and shove it and the geriatric into the parking lot.

Or how about the person in the drive through lane at the bank who is jawboning on her fricking cell phone during the interminable wait then once she’s finally abeam the little pneumatic tube, decides that that’s the time to complete her deposit slip (which is usually a week’s worth of sketchy checks from her tattoo parlor business or something). At a standstill, you seethe as the other lanes move like greased lightening but are trapped because by now some low rider with its woofer at maximum decibel level has just pulled up behind you. Banking purgatory. You watch the little cylinder go up and come back down, and up and down over and over because the aforementioned cretin forgot to endorse the checks or didn’t write out the deposit slip correctly, or some other doofus blunder. This sort of thing may not infuriate you but it vexes MJE to the snapping point and I have to physically restrain myself from hopping out and grabbing that little plastic sucker when it makes its next touchdown, walking it into the bank, making the deposit and returning the receipt to the offender. I then want to warn her in the strongest possible terms that if she ever sees MJE behind her in the drive through she had better just keep on driving.

And don’t even get me started on the US postal service. First of all they are gazillion dollars in debt but have enough dough to run endless ads trying to convince the populace how terrific they are. That must be why they don’t have enough money left to pay for more than one teller at a time. And if there are two people ahead of you in line or twenty, it still takes just as long, because I can guarantee you that if you find yourself lucky enough to have even just one person in line, they will have 35 packages going to 35 countries the clerk never even heard of. They will also want all the extra time consuming bells and whistles on each one: insurance, return receipt requested, proof of delivery, etc. To be followed by a lengthy cost benefit analysis over the postage on every single box: standard delivery vs express vs 2nd class…by the time this person finally walks away from the counter the clerk is so exhausted she puts up a “window closed” sign and disappears into the bowels of the building.

Is it any wonder that people want to crawl inside their computers and live a human interaction-free virtual life. That is until the damned thing crashes, at which point you actually do desperately want some human interaction in the form of a technical support person. So the rest of your day is frittered away on hold being told every 15 seconds how very important YOUR call is to them. Finally mike in mumbai answers and cheerfully tells you that he will absolutely figure out and solve your problem. Several clicks later, he regrets to inform you that he is so dreadfully sorry but your tech support contract just expired. But thanks you for being a valued customer.

no guns, no shame, no money

no guns no shame no money

MJE has recently learned that guns will be banned from the republican national convention!! Are you seriously kidding me? That sure sounds like an infringement of my 2nd amendment rights…if I can take my gun into an intro biology class at UT, my kid’s kindergarten class, or a booze infused tailgate party before the big game, why not into the repub confab. Where is the fricking NRA when you need them? Do the convention organizers have a beef against responsible gun owners? What happened to the old chestnut that guns don’t kill people, people kill people and its kissing cousin that if we take guns away from law-abiding people then only criminals will have them. Are they implying that republican delegates are criminals? Are they afraid that there might be a shootout between Utah and Massachusetts over whose hats are zanier? Too bad Scalia isn’t with us anymore because he’d sure as hell stand up to these lily-livered pantywaists. If I didn’t know better, I might think we were talking about those peacenik pinko democrats for god’s sake.

MJE would also like to draw attention to the fact that the convention is being held in the Quicken Loans Arena. Quicken Loans is the fifth largest subprime mortgage foreclosure inducer in Detroit. It’s a company that currently owns over 60 large real estate parcels there, which it picked up at fire sale prices after it foreclosed on them. It is accused by its own loan officers of pressuring them to falsify applicants’ incomes and helpfully coached them on how to boost their commissions by locking clients into higher interest rates even when they qualified for lower rates. Loan officers have furthermore testified that Quicken Loans management instructed them to “bruise” clients by telling them that there were red flags in their credit reports and that no other lender would work with them. In 2010 Quicken Loans was found guilty of fraud in a suit filed by a homeowner and in 2011 both Quicken Loans officers and its customers filed suits against the company. Subprime mortgages, like politics make for strange bedfellows.

The kicker is that the big corporate republican convention sponsors of yesteryear are running for the hills, afraid that they will be linked to what MJE suspects will be a food fight of epic proportions, or worse. Not anxious to see the headline “This Riot is Brought to you by Coca Cola” (which doesn’t exactly comport with their image of achieving “perfect harmony” via consumption of high fructose soft drinks) or the breaking news “Trump Supporters Shoot off More Than Their Mouths Before Being Forced to Surrender their Guns” followed by a message from the sponsor American Airlines. Even Walmart , which is known for black Friday mayhem is debating the upside to exhibiting its logo above a sea of thrashing bodies.

Boy oh boy, looks like the republicans are in a real pickle here. They are pissing on our constitutional rights in a venue named for a company that was partially to blame for the 2008 recession (for which it went unpunished) and to top it off, their once reliable money bags are staying away in droves. What’s a political pachyderm to do? Got me, but MJE can’t wait for this clown car to get to Cleveland.