my jaundiced eye

the absurdities of life

Month: July, 2016

from russia with love

from russia with love-1

Okay, so yesterday the conald suggested that maybe the ruskies could find hill’s missing emails since they seem to be great! hackers. But MJE has a much better idea, how about they dig up the conald’s tax returns so we can all see how much russia means to his bottom line.

However, the conald seems to have an on again off again relationship with vlad (who, by the way was named for vlad the impaler, the figure upon whom dracula was based, which may or may not be true but since the conald has invited us into his fact free zone, enjoy). Last year the conald said that he and vlad were bff’s because they were both on the same 60 minutes broadcast. Nevermind the fact that the interviews were conducted on different continents. I guess in the conald’s mind if you are on a segment of a tv show that also has a segment on another person, then you both must in fact have been in the same place at the same time. And that you know one another. Really well.

That thought process reminds me of a discussion I heard on the radio about how literally children think. A psychologist related a story about a child flying for the first time who turned to her mother after take off and asked her when they were going to get tiny. It makes perfect sense, she sees airplanes in the sky and they are tiny…MJE agains turns to the good book for an apt quote “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I set aside childish ways.” (1 corinthians 13:11) Bless his ever-loving soul, I guess the conald just isn’t quite there yet.

But now the conald seems to have dropped vlad like a hot bowl of borscht, he said yesterday that not only does he not know him, but he doesn’t even know who he is…I will be the first to stand up and state that the conald has the intellectual curiosity of an eggplant but I will give him credit for at least knowing the name of the thug that runs russia. After all, several years ago the conald sold his (GREAT!!) russian miss universe pageant to one of vlad’s oligarch pals for a fat wad of rubles and even personally tweeted vlad an invite to the extravaganza. Sadly vlad was busy impaling a couple of ukrainians that night and couldn’t make it. But he did send the conald a nice thank you gift.

So, heads up you ruskie computer nerds, quit playing pacmaninoff and get to work! If you can hack the DNC and the departments of state and defense then why not the IRS for god’s sake. Just do it! We need to end this freak show and put the conald in america’s communal email trash can where he belongs.

be careful what you wish for

be careful what you wish for

Praise the lord (as I suppose the conald has been doing a lot lately since being born again…too bad it wasn’t in another country and century) the GOP convention has finally come to an end. And not a moment too soon, if MJE had to hear from one more cretin in a funny hat yammering on about how the conald is the only savior for what ails this god forsaken country I would seriously consider puncturing my own ear drums.

Ted Cruz’s speech was a barn burner, unfortunately it was his own barn. He’s as slimy and self-serving a politico as I have ever had the misfortune to watch, with an ego that can go toe to toe with the conald’s. His self-absorbed rant about people voting their values and conscience accomplished what four grueling days of the convention could not, actually making the conald look human. However, that’s a parlor trick you really can trot out just once because digging your own political grave while simultaneously elevating even further the biggest narcissistic gasbag in memory can’t be topped.

Now we know for certain that the conald is the ONLY person in this country who can solve the devastating conditions that plague our nation because he told us so. I must not have been paying attention because the landscape doesn’t look nearly as bleak as the conald described. But then again MJE always walks on the sunny side of the street, unless someone who looks sort of foreign happens to come along, then I hot foot it to the dark side until the threat passes. But if he’s right then my guess is that once inaugurated his first order of business (after gold plating all of the WH bathroom fixtures) will be to set up a cabinet post to design our own Hunger Games.

And poor Mike Pence, I never thought I would feel sorry for a guy who is straight out of central casting as a nazi storm trooper. He really must be one hellova needy individual to hitch his wagon to a sleaze ball who embodies the polar opposite of his purported principles, ideals and (christian) values, a man who’s ethics, if any, are as malleable as the filler in melamia’s lips. Mike, you sure better hope that jesus saves because buddy you are going to need it after making this faustian bargain.

I am guessing that as we have seen, the conald’s family will be very involved in his administration. Obviously, Ivanka has the chief of staff post nailed down and maybe head of the joint chiefs too. Eric is looking good for secretary of commerce, what with his business acumen selling trump wines to trump owned businesses. Tiffany’s a tough call, hmm, how about head of health and human services, she can be in charge of government-produced work out videos and testing new beauty products. Conald junior puts on a pretty swell show, got the swagger down, seems serious….how about ambassador to nato. Scratch that, forgot we don’t need nato. Then secretary of defense seems like a good slot for him, MJE is sure that he will be the steady hand and cool head when dear old dad gets pissed off and stomps off to the situation room with the nuclear codes.

Melania will have lots of time to fine-tune her sultry demeanor. Being first lady and running the white house is nothing compared to having to stay one step ahead of those wily trump kids.

sterno

sterno-1

MJE lost a great friend last week, my pal, sterno. And yes MJE DOES have friends, some. But it’s not a very deep bench so when one of them isn’t here anymore it’s sort of like losing a continent. “What the what, where the hell did Australia go?” The world just doesn’t seem quite right.

There’s a hole in it.

Sterno was an amazing guy, and not just because his hair came into the room a full ten seconds before the rest of him. Word is he used to light firecrackers in it in college, but I could be wrong. He was one of those glass half full people (not the annoying kind) but not just half full, I’m talking filled to the top (with Bud Light would be my guess). Now MJE knows that not every one of sterno’s days was a day at the beach on the redneck riviera but he sort of made you imagine that it could be. And he was a walk the walk (or limp the hike) kind of guy…every day was the perfect day for hitting the trail or the river or bayou. Sterno had more kayaks than the OB&C has egg poachers (what can I say, he had an egg poacher thing for awhile). He would jam the back of his bad ass macho truck with those kayaks, and paddles and life vests and refreshments and sunscreen and bug spray and any other thing anyone might need, and that was that. All the work was done, just have to enjoy.

He’d lead hikes all over the mountains too, probably to a lot of places he’d really seen enough of, for people he didn’t even know or probably want to, most of whom didn’t appreciate it either. And no hiker on any of sterno’s treks ever got lost (well, maybe a time or two, but some people just can’t follow directions) or left behind. Sterno was like a  brood hen with her chicks; the old, the lazy, the slow walkers, the cell phone talkers, the country clubbers, the low lifes, even the wine drinkers, for god’s sake, (and that last bunch is a handful I can tell you) he kept track of them all.

Then there were the good deeds (not the annoying kind)…trail tending, cooking up a storm for righteous causes, bird watcher watching, and plenty more that MJE doesn’t even know about, and frankly can’t imagine because I don’t do that altruistic stuff.

Sterno’s wonderful wife jellybean (who normally behaves in a sterling fashion, except there was that one time the OB&C and MJE got her snockered at our oyster party and she fell asleep in the grocery parking lot on the way home) is gonna have a rough time, but she’s a pretty tough cookie, and unlike MJE, her friend bench is loaded.

So good bye sterno, dear friend, MJE’s world is literally darker without you.

born again

born again

MJE just heard that the conald has been born again. Holy crap wasn’t once enough?? If KRST (beaming from macon ga, 88.3 on your radio dial) can be believed, this time as an evangelical christian. Well played conald, all of your sins are forgiven, at least by almighty god. But MJE bets there are more than a few drywall hangers and carpet layers who are not quite there yet, having been summarily flushed down the economic toilet when you declared one of your four bankruptcies. Conald’s “conversion” sort of reminds me of the paraprosdokian, “ I asked god for a bike but I know he doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked for forgiveness.”

Just to clarify, this is the same conald who not too long ago spoke at liberty university, not to be confused with trump university. Although to be fair MJE is not familiar with the comparative curricula of the two institutions, nor the benefits of either on one’s resume. Liberty is one of those creepy fonts of (oxymoron alert!) baptismal intellectual knowledge where politicians routinely grovel for the evangelical vote. The conald launched his speech with the famous “two corinthians “ quote from the good book. I thought he was about to start a joke….”so 2 corinthians walk into a bar…” but no, he was dead serious and prattled on in the most cringe worthy example of political pandering that MJE has ever had the misfortune to witness. As the blessed student body sat in somewhat befuddled silence he actually asked for reassurance from the assembled flock that the biblical passage he had chosen was a winner, “this is the one you like, right?” Conald, stop before you kill again!!!

But all that has now been dumped into heaven’s septic tank of sin. Poof! Gone. The conald is now as pure as the new driven snow. Therefore MJE is assuming that whatever comes out of the conald’s mouth from here on is verily the word of god. FYaweh, better bring your A game because bringing jesus back from the dead is chump change compared to keeping the conald on the one true path.

Jeremiah 9:23-24

Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”

Amen. And good luck with that.