my jaundiced eye

the absurdities of life

Month: October, 2016

@weiner

weiner

Jumpin’ jehohsaphat! is MJE the only person on earth, besides bernie, who is sick to death of shrillary’s emails. I thought we were (mixed metaphor alert!) in the home stretch and this chinese water torture of an election was almost over …but noooooo, there was one more curve ball no one saw coming…an intimation of further deception surfaced courtesy of the fbi, a byproduct of of their investigation into a sexual pervert, a man called weiner, who likes to send crotch shots of himself in his unmentionables to underage girls. And just to update any of MJE’s readers who may have recently crawled out of a cave without wifi , weiner is married to huma abedin, shrillary’s closest aide. Huma may or may not have exchanged emails with shrillary on weiner’s laptop, no pun intended, which is now in the hands of the feds.What does it say about us as a society that the groins of three men have figured so prominently in this election cycle.

MJE’s thinks the american public is totally missing the most important and mind boggling aspect of this tawdry tale.

A communal computer? What is this 1981? Seriously, people who can’t afford to feed their kids have their own computers…homeless people go to starbucks for the free wifi…every worker in every cubicle has a computer (or smart phone) squirreled away to secretly play fantasy football on the boss’s dime. There is a darn good reason they’re called “personal.” Even MJE and the OB&C don’t share a computer, however our emails are of absolutely no interest to anyone, even the recipients.

No matter who wins or loses the election, the republican pitch-forkers in congress will surely conduct endless hearings, grandstanding and wasting untold amounts of time and (our) money, trying to nail clinton’s electronic entrails to the wall instead of governing the country. Hey, they may even vote for her just so they can impeach her!

You heard it here first.

The only upside to this is if the conald does become president of the united states he’ll be as stuck as the rest of us and whatever idiotic ideas he might or might not have had to “make america great again” will be put on indefinite hold. But even better than that will be the spectacle of trump, having achieved the status of the most powerful person on the planet (in real life, not in his alternative universe) realizing too late that now he can’t get what he wants when he wants it like he could in the old days. SAD.

conald and co.

conald-and-co

Okay, so MJE and the OB&C were having dinner with friends the other night…it was a 4-4 tie politically. MJE knew that going in and thought I’d just keep my powder dry and wait for someone else to launch the first salvo. My good pal grinapple stepped up to the plate within minutes…a lifelong repub (although his father served as a high ranking member of jimma carter’s admin), he is a well-educated, thoughtful, caring person as well as being a raconteur of the highest order in typical southern tradition. He doesn’t like the conald but he can’t stand shrillary and he he is desperate to see the fetid governmental swamp in washington drianed. He put forth an argument that there have been unprepared, inexperienced people elected president in the past but that they governed responsibly by selecting capable, thoughtful, professional governmental veterans to advise and tutor them.

With that in mind, let’s take a look at the people with whom the conald has surrounded himself, a motley crew to be sure. Let’s start with his most trusted confidants and advisers the children of the corn (COTC) (see: Stephen King 1984 Thriller): ivanka, conald jr. and eric, offspring from his first marital foray. Unusual move, but they share his values and ethics so that’s something.

Next up we have corey lewandowski, a former bar bouncer (unverified but with the conald we live in a fact free zone and the core-man sure looks the part) whom he named as his original campaign manager. Perfect choice, as he had no experience running a political campaign, much less at the presidential level, just like his boss. He did however once work for a congressman ney who ended up in the clink over involvement in the abramoff scandal. He was also arrested and charged for bringing a loaded handgun (in his laundry bag) into the longworth house office building. Hey, I’m down with that, I always pack heat when I do my laundry (in my office). Plus he’s polish and we know what a sweet tooth the conald has for those eastern europeans…

After the COTC staged an intervention in the hopes that they might get big daddy to step back from the ledge and start acting like a real presidential contender instead of a deranged hamster, he reluctantly pivoted, sacked the core-man and took on kellyanne conway as campaign manager. An experienced operative, and one heck of a smiler, she is a perfect counterpoint to the conald’s perpetually pursed lips and scowling countenance. God help that poor wretch, imagine what her job is like…desperately trying to reason with the equivalent of an hormonally imbalanced temper tantrum-prone teenager who is fully prepared to burn down the house rather than clean his room.

Next up we have steve bannon, who is the “chief executive” of the conald’s campaign and who is also the chief executive of breitbart news, an organization that is on a perpetual witch hunt for voter fraud. But in a case of breathtaking irony, mr b is registered to vote at a house in florida which is abandoned and due to be demolished. Prior to that he registered himself using his ex-wife’s address, where he never lived…both residences happen to be in highly contested precincts in florida. Bannon is the conald whisperer hissing into his ear that should he lose it will be because of widespread voter fraud and a rigged system, something about which he knows.

Last but not by any means least we have roger ailes, who was recently forced to resign as head of fox news over multiple allegations (and a lawsuit) of sexual misconduct and who now has joined the campaign as an advisor. Frankly, MJE considers the mere sight of his repulsive mug as sexual harassment, which makes him a perfect ba-da-bing to the conald’s ba-da-bang whoever, wherever, whenever.

In electing the conald as president MJE likens it to trying to effect radical change to a dysfunctional mental health system by throwing out the experienced, but ineffective administrator and appointing the craziest inmate you can find to run the joint.

 

grope a dope

conald-2-1

MJE is extremely sorry about the long lapse since the last post but I am virtually paralyzed by an election cycle so bizarre that even MJE’s twisted mind could not conjure it up. WTF is going on in this nutso country? How did our much lauded democratic landscape devolve into a huge septic field full of exactly what one would expect to find there. And worse, ever the gimlet eyed realist, MJE sees this fecal swamp expanding faster than the louisiana coastline is disappearing, and I fear that the toxic level of anger and resentment that the american populace seems to harbor against one another isn’t likely to dissipate come November 9.

That said, there is enough gallows humor to put a smile on even rudy giuliani’s disturbingly frightening bug eyed mug. When surrogates like rudy and newt start hopping on their high horses about fidelity and trust you really do begin to think you are living in the upside down, (see: Netflix: stranger things) an alternate reality that is a very dark and dangerous replication of the real thing. A world in which a man running for president of the united states can create a fact-free bubble in which everything he claims to be true is belied by what has actually transpired and verified either by his own words or by those of witnesses, yet is still swallowed snout to tail by his unquestioning followers.

Sorry, was trying to find something humorous in this scenario…stop. RESET.

Let’s take the debates…no seriously…take them, please. As I write this, I am watching the conald rant and rave over the allegations that shrillary was given the questions and answers for her debate with bernie, in advance, something which the conald is whining NEVER happened to him. 😦   No shite sherlock…what sane person would provide you with the garbled, irrational word salad that constituted your “answers”?

Let’s just relive a few of the agonizingly erratic, uninformed and mind bogglingly unhinged responses the conald provided when he wasn’t lurching around the stage like a guy looking for his glasses, until finally settling in so close behind shrillary that they might have been jammed in a crowded subway car.

Q: mr trump, what specific plans do you have to alleviate the wealth gap between the super rich and the poor of this country?

A: benghazi

Q: mr trump, could you please elaborate?

A: emails

Q: mr trump, how could a person who describes himself as the greatest deal-maker of all time manage to lose almost a billion dollars in one year in a rising real estate market?

A: isis

Q: mr. trump, you dismiss your incredibly disgusting, misogynistic comments about assaulting women as “locker room” talk? Have you ever actually been in a locker room?

A: Hell no! Are you kidding? Do you know how many athlete foot germs there are in a place like that? I wouldn’t go into a locker room if it were the only place on earth where I could grope a woman without witnesses! I mean look at my physique, do I look like someone who wastes my precious time in a gym?

Q: mr trump, after your having disparaged hispanics, muslims, immigrants, women, veterans, gold star families and the republican establishment (so far), how do you think that there are enough voters left in the country to get you elected?

A: Stupid question. Really stupid. You are a total loser moderator. But I’ll answer it since I’m stuck here for 90 minutes anyway. If I can get away without paying federal income tax for almost two decades, very publicly cheat on my wife, describe my daughter as “a nice piece of ass,” gloat about my ability to sexually assault women without consequence, declare bankruptcy six times and stiff hundreds of contractors and small businesses, illegally fund my campaign from my eponymous 5013c non profit foundation to which I haven’t actually donated in years, renege on a promise to contribute to a veterans support organization (until publicly shamed and then reluctantly contributing with funds from said foundation that had actually been received from other non-profits), have all of my crappy trump label suits, ties, sans-a-belt slacks, jock straps, support hose, and mens’ anklet golf socks made in china and cambodia while convincing my zombie followers that I will bring jobs back to america, then trust me, I can be elected president. I promise you.