my jaundiced eye

the absurdities of life

Month: January, 2017

coronation of the conald


Sorry followers. this was to be published earlier this week so it’s sort of a let down now…just pretend that yesterday never happened. I know I am.

MJE has been ‘reaching out’ to my vast network of fashionistas, style icons, the kardashians and stallones, as well as to my dc insiders like the unpaid interns on capitol hill to get the scoop on what the inauguration holds for the millions of americans who await it with shock and awe.

My first bit of breaking news is that the theme of the entire day will be the coronation of louis XIV of france who reigned from 1643-1715. His moniker was “the sun king” which is fitting given the sunny hue of the pet as well as his taste for all things gilt. The fact that louis hailed from the house of bourbon probably doesn’t resonate with the tea totaling pet but the pomp, grandeur, ostentation and sense of entitlement more than make up for that. Pet too comes from a royal lineage hailing from queens.

My sources tell me that the pet will don a long powdered wig in a color described by famed hair colorist frederick fekkai as “sunset in america.” He will forgo louis’s silk stockings for the inauguration due to the predicted weather forecast and will instead don double weave cashmere stockings in a regal silver. His footwear for the inauguration will be slightly lower slippers than those traditionally worn by louis owing to the fact that he must be on his feet for at minimum an hour and insiders tell me he has notoriously low arches. He will wear a ceremonial cape of ermine and brocade embroidered with the trump family crest recently commissioned and created by the extremely talented artists at in shades of red, cream and blue highlighted in 24 carat gold thread.

Melanoma will follow the conald’s lead and has commissioned a subdued empire- waisted, marie antoinette inspired gown over which she will drape a full length vicuna cape. It is reported that she will wear her auburn mane in a high pouffe, or toque favored by the women of the 18th c. courts of france topped with a solid gold replica of trump tower. She will follow protocol and remain part of the background, entering the ceremony simply to hold the bible upon which the pet will place his left hand and vow to uphold the constitution of the united states. It has been confirmed that melanoma has been working with a team of learning disability professionals to bring the pet and herself up to speed on the basics of the constitution in advance of the inauguration. Short spark note presentations have been ongoing however there is no word on how successful that tutoring has been.

One big scoop that MJE can report is that the pet has commissioned a carriage designed in the style of that used by queen elizabeth to carry her to westminster abbey for her coronation in which he and melanoma will ride. The pet kept his campaign promise to keep jobs in America so it was constructed by the caterpillar corporation based in peoria illinois. Almost 1500 workers paid by the department of labor were employed as subcontractors and supervised by daughter invanka and sons don jr and eric who generously donated their management fees to the trump foundation. Not surprisingly, given their expertise, the project came in under the $10M budget and ahead of schedule. When not in use, trumpchariot 1 will be exhibited in the smithsonian museum of labor and industry as a model of american can do spirit. It is said that the reason that the carriage’s existence was kept a total secret until now is that the pet demanded that everyone involved in its commission sign confidentiality agreements and were forbidden to communicate with any members of the intelligence community.

After the president and first lady are comfortably ensconced in their gilded parade pavilion emblazoned throughout with the conald’s monogrammed initials, they will enjoy a short inaugural parade. The review was specifically designed not to exceed 45 minutes, as the new president becomes bored in long presentations. Parade planners were fortunate in this regard as almost 90% of the groups invited to participate declined.

There will of course be a long list of balls that evening where the louis XIV theme will continue to be de rigeur. Few specifics are available but anonymous transition sources assure MJE that the entire night will be incredibly great, greater than anything ever seen in us inaugural history. And thanks to the support of generous corporate donors will not cost the american taxpayers one thin dime.

Hail to the chief.











medicare ma


MJE just “enjoyed” another birthday. It was actually pretty great, my sistahood feted me with a wonderful surprise party. I ended the evening wearing a napkin wimple, a palm frond crown like the lemur king in madagascar and a pink sequined bra. I will leave the rest of it up to your depraved imaginations you sickos.

The next day, after a somewhat ragged morning I received an email from medicare ma letting me know what wonderful things she was bestowing upon me to keep me hale and hearty:

Name Eligibility Date
PAP TEST DR 02/01/2018
PELVIC 02/01/2018
MAMMOGRAPHY 01/01/2016
COLORECTAL 01/01/2016
PAP TEST 01/01/2016
DIABETES 01/01/2016

Well if that didn’t let the air out of my balloon I don’t know what would. It started out happy enough…annual wellness visit. Great! But it turns out that ma suspects that I am actually far from 100% given the rest of the recommended tests and screenings. I had no idea I was at such high risk for so many afflictions. Plus I am a year late on most of them which does explain a thing or two.

Alcohol misuse screening: MJE uses ethyl alcohol exactly as it was intended.

Depression screening: Not until I saw the above list.

High intensity behavioral counseling: I have no idea what that even means. Am I low intensity (or in PET’s words “low energy”)? It is true that I haven’t been exercising as much as I should which is probably why ma feels I might be in need of the obesity counseling.

Cardiovascular disease behavioral therapy: I hope that doesn’t mean I have to lay off the triple cream brie, butter and foie gras. If so I really don’t see the point in going on.

Mammography: Ma’s a day late and a dollar short on that one as you know if you’ve been a loyal MJE follower. And if she truly cared she’d know that too.

Colorectal: Ha ha, already did the crap in a box thing (ask your doc, it’s so much better than a colonoscopy, and I might add a real testament to american ingenuity) and I’m clean as a whistle.

Pap test (twice!) AND pelvic: Seriously? a speculum is the only thing that’s been in that neck of the woods for ages.

Abdominal aortic aneurysm: Does that mean that ma suspects that my stomach is about to blow? Yikes, better haul out the spanxs.

Diabetes: The only sugar I ingest can be attributed to the above proper use of alcohol.

Then one more cardiovascular something or other which I thought we took care of with the aforementioned behavioral therapy.

What about the fact that I am blind as a bat, deaf as a post and walk like chester in gunsmoke because of the arthritis in my hip. Or that my skin is thinner than japanese mulberry paper and I bruise like a week old banana. Or that my brain is like a magic 8 ball and every effort to remember anything results in “perhaps but ask again” or “signs point to yes” or “very doubtful” which is decidedly unhelpful when trying to find my glasses or think of my grandchildren’s names. What about those things ma? What about quality of life, huh? Why are you so focused on stuff like exploding abs and behavioral therapy for my heart, which frankly could use it as it has been in intensive care since nov. 8.

I appreciate your concern, but MJE’s got it all covered. Don’t need you to tell me how to behave, or what to eat or drink. I’ve made it so far without your “support” and suspect that I’ll manage to hang on for a few more years. Now if you would care to cover important things like botox, liposuction or facial peels then I am all ears.