my jaundiced eye

the absurdities of life

Month: January, 2018

like, genius in chief

Genius in chief

The conald, during his “executive time” watching fox and friends had someone read him exerpts of the scathing new book about the dysfunctional trump white house and the low regard with which his staff and cabinet members regard his intellect. He countered that he is a genius or in his words, “like, really smart,” furthermore in his own assessment “a very stable genius.” He had previously thrown down the intellectual gauntlet to his secretary of state, rex tillerson who had referred to him as a forking moron, by daring him to take an iq test to see who is in fact the smarter cookie.

I am sure his staff shifted into super overdrive figuring out how they could create an intelligence test that could possibly display the conald’s superior intellect. Their solution was to have have both men sit for a stanford-binet test of intelligence. The test for mr tillerson would contain actual sample questions from the real test whereas the conald’s test would contain a somewhat different series of questions. For added insurance, the president’s test would consist of ten questions and mr tillerson’s 135 questions. But in the interest of fairness, both men would be given equal time to complete their tests.

MJE has obtained copies of the tests and is happy to share a sampling of them with her loyal readers…

The real questions are listed first with multiple choice answers, followed by the conald’s “alternative” questions and answers:

  1. Four individuals form a business and create a contract to divide the profits equally among the four. Gary invests $11,000, Neil invests $4,000, Jill invests $5,000, and Steve invests $8,000. The profits at the end of the year are $5,600. How much less does Gary receive than if the profits were divided in relation to the amount invested by each owner?

Answer: $1000, $1400, $800 or $2200.

Alternative trump question:

Four individuals form a business and create a contract to divide the profits equally. How much of the profits does each investor receive?

Answer: one tenth, one fiftieth, one fourth, zero. Contracts are for losers. I would get 100%. Winners don’t share.

  1. The number, “three thousand, eight hundred, sixty-eight,” when written backward, is read, “eight thousand, six hundred, eighty-three.”

Answer: true or false

Alternative question:

Spit written backward spells tips.

Answer: true or false

  1. Tony gets married next month. One year ago from the date he will get married, Tony was away in Spain for New Year’s Eve. What month is it?

Answer: October, November, January, February, December

Alternative question: Where is Spain?

Answer: Paris, Equador, the failing European Union or Manitoba

  1. Do the words credit and acclaim have opposite meanings, similar meanings or no relation?

Answer: opposite, similar or no relation

Alternative question: What is credit?

Answer: A way to buy things with money you don’t have, a piece of plastic that gets you free stuff, how you build a business with other people’s money and never have to pay them back, or all of the above

  1. Three painters can paint three walls in three minutes. How many painters are needed to paint 27 walls in nine minutes?

Answer: 3,6,9,12,15

Alternative question: Where is our really fantastic amazing president going to build a great big beautiful wall and who’s going to pay for it?

Answer: Between Dallas and San Bernadino-paid for by St. Louis, between Brooklyn and Reno paid for by Minneapolis, between us and them-paid by them, obviously, or between Florida and Nebraska-paid for by Spain.

Both tests are extremely difficult, but from comparative percentage of correct answers provided by mr tillerson and mr trump it is clear that mr trump’s intellect and reasoning power are superior. His ability to reduce complex problems to the least mentally taxing analysis is unprecedented and when it comes to “thinking outside the box” he literally has no equal.

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fired and furious

fired

It is never wise to turn your back on a poison toad (genus bufo) or to lick his back for that matter. Toads are notoriously vengeful and easily slighted. They are particularly sensitive to comments about their personal appearance, warts specifically, as well as their grooming habits. Any criticism of their intellect, strategic political acumen, or past business success will be met with fire and fury the world has never seen.

Bufo bannonensus was at one time the white house top toad and the most important amphibian in the world. He squatted on the shoulder of the president and acted as his most trusted advisor. Because the current occupant of the oval office is a pretty empty vessel, bufo banno was able to whisper noxious notions into his ear and help tailor american policies to his nationalistic and xenophobic world-view.

Bufo banno was dead set against draining the swamp for obvious reasons, no amphibian with half a brain, is going to deliberately obliterate his own habitat. Hell no, he’s gonna fill that sucker up with like-minded creatures with whom he can easily machinate and maneuver the levers of power. Bufo banno became the apex amphibian for a reason, brother.

A large part of bufo banno’s ideology that the hominid president seemed to find attractive is territoriality and the exclusion of what are considered to be lesser species. Frogs, newts, and salamanders need not apply. The big bufo believes that in the ideal ecosystem there would be an actual wall around his personal space whose perimeters he considers to currently be way too porous. He does not subscribe to what he regards as the misguided notion that a diverse population is beneficial to the overall health and well being of any environment. He views those who support that theory as nothing more than a bunch of loser reptilians bitching about their lot.

Bufo banno also thinks that it’s high time our swamp quit subsidizing other less fecund wetlands. Not our problem. His message is “get your act together, show some initiative you pathetic parasites …we’ve done everything we can to underfund regulatory agencies and peacekeeping organizations, support autocratic regimes, extract ourselves from onerous goody two shoes alliances, not to mention abandoning our allies, so as we toads like to say, hop to it. “

In an amazing twist of fate big bufo got himself thrown out of the swamp, he apparently was too fetid for even that morass. Yet despite his absence the muck continues to ooze along just fine. Turns out that poison toads are a dime a dozen in washington. But two things that make big bufo both unique and particularly dangerous is that he knows who did what to whom and where they dumped all the carcasses. And last, but by no means least, he can sing like a veritable canary when threatened.

MJE strongly advises her readers and their loved ones to steer clear of poison toads and, no matter how tempting, and not to lick them. Ever.

a totally positive 2018!

a totally positive 2018!

MJE tends to lean to the dark side in life but decided to start 2018 with some awesome positive predictions for the new year:

Totally positive:

That congress will work diligently in a bipartisan effort to annihilate the other side.

That the OB&C will wear his pajamas inside out every other day, trust me on this.

That e-vanka will continue to breathlessly pursue her life goal of empowering women who work, except the ones in bangladesh and vietnam who slave away 12 hours a day in dangerous factories to slap together her eponymous fashion crap.

That the conald and congress will open up every national park for oil drilling and natural gas extraction and pursue any potential disney projects.

That the conald will continue to trade insults with dim sum oon about who’s the bigger bad ass, or who in fact has or is the bigger ass in general.

That john kelly will either quit as the conald’s chief of staff, have a nervous breakdown or both.

That jared kushner will announce he’s transgender.

That bannon will prove to be the worst political frenemy in human history. He and the conald are a match made in hell. Gotta love it.

That tillerson will quit and move to a deserted island without wi-fi and outside of range of north korean missiles.

That e-vanka will wake up one morning and realize this orthodox jewish stuff just doesn’t add value to her brand and will say fork it and order in pulled pork for shabbat.

That melanoma will have a safe room installed in her residential quarters should the conald get any randy notions after watching the hotties on fox and friends. Run melanoma, run like the wind.

That the democrats will be their own worst enemy in the mid-term elections. There’s only one roy moore after all.

That the planet’s future is totally dependent upon the conald’s inability to hold a thought including what the secret codes are for launching a nuclear attack.

Stay positive!

the trump interview

the interview

I saw that prince harry has just interviewed president obama and it occurred to MJE that an interview with the conald might make for an interesting contrast…

ph: Good morning mr president thank you for agreeing to this interview.

dt: No problem. Now that I have single handedly passed the biggest most phenomenal tax cut in history for our downtrodden hedge fund managers and real estate magnates, my calendar is freed up a bit. But, I am still incredibly busy monitoring fox and fake news and tweeting out word salad blasts about my totally unfair coverage. If I get punched I punch back twice as hard, just ask the mooch.

ph: So mr president, has becoming president been a difficult adjustment?

dt: Absolutely, it’s 100% harder than I thought it would be.

ph: Really, in what regard?

dt: Well harry, like you, I made my money the old fashioned way, I inherited it, handed to me on a plate like a beautiful really well done omaha steak. I called the shots in my companies, no stockholders to worry about and the bankruptcy courts in the us are a gift from god. Invest other people’s money, if things go south, not my problem. Investors lose, contractors lose but I come out smelling like a rose. The other thing is that you and I both live in palatial homes with lots of gold and own an amazing amount of real estate. Best of all, we don’t pay any taxes! Only losers pay taxes.

But now I’ve got the democrats, the generals, mccain, scarborough, flake, the blacks, the mexicans, the women, the gays, the transgenders, whatever they are, the aclu, the freedom caucus, the liberals, the conservatives and the un-american public all bitching about how I can’t do this or can’t do that, chewing on my ass bigly. Plus I have to live in government subsidized housing. Wish it was like you guys, you just issue a royal decree or something and boom! Done.

ph: Well mr president that’s not exactly true, royals don’t make laws, parliament is the actual governing body.

dt: What? Are you sure?

ph: Yes, mr president I’m sure, the royal family is really just a figure head.

dt: Well that sucks. Seems like you and I are more alike than you think.

ph: I certainly doubt it, but tell me how do you think we’re similar?

dt: Well, you and I are both scrappy second sons overshadowed by the first born. Also we both like to marry dark foreign women, although your gal is a lot darker than mine, you know what I mean? By the way, congratulations on your engagement, that meghan is one great looking piece of ass! I bet she’s a tiger in the sack, am I right? Sure hope it works out better than your parents’ marriage, boy was that a mess! I could never understand why your dad decided to get rid of your red hot mama for that cow camilla. I’d have grabbed your mother’s poodle in a heartbeat. She was definitely smoking hot, and not shy about spreading it around either.

ph: Perhaps we could move on mr president.

We’ll move on when I say so, so just cool your jets little prince. There’s one more thing. You and I were both pretty bad boys in the good ole days. Man, those pics of you in the nazi get-up looked sorta bad, but I don’t get why everyone jumped all over you. After all, it’s no big secret that you’ve had plenty of nazi sympathizers in your family, right? Your grandfather’s a kraut and your granny’s uncle ed, gave up the throne to marry a nazi whore with a face like a horse and absolutely no tits or ass. So people just need to get over it. Plus hitler, despite a few missteps, sure made the trains (especially to buchanwald, dachau and treblinka) run on time and infrastructure is a bitch, trust me.

ph: Well, that is a frightening thought. But moving on, what comments do you have about the numerous alleged connections to the russians?

dt: Look harry, that is all a bunch of fake news. Never happened. Don’t believe a word of it. It is true that I have a soft spot for eastern european beauties and autocratic rulers, but that doesn’t mean I have a man crush on putin, although he does have a hellova handshake and looks damn good half naked on a horse. Plus he’s got the scary dead eyes of a shark. But he’s way too short for me. In the situation room his code name is teeny penie.

ph: So neither you, your family nor your businesses have any financial relationships with russia?

ph: Harry, why in the world would I or my family or businesses have any direct financial dealings with russia or any other dirty money sources when I have stooges like manafort and flynn around to take the fall? I’m not a moron, despite what that worthless asshole tillerson said.

ph: It does looks as though those two associates of yours folded pretty quickly when the fbi came calling, does it worry you that they might incriminate you?

dt: Absolutely not harry, as I said during my campaign I could shoot someone in the middle of fifth avenue and not lose a vote

ph: But you could get indicted or impeached, right?

dt: I believe in a prevent defense kid, I’ve already got pardon papers signed and ready to go for myself, jared, junior, pence, sessions, huckaby sanders, preibus, spicer, what’s his name, the coffee boy, hope hicks, kelly anne, sebastian gorka, lewandowsky, and of course flynn and manafort, even though honestly, I wouldn’t recognize those two in a line up. And knowing what I know, I have a few other signed blanks in my hip pocket just in case meulie starts to hit real paydirt.

ph: Well mr president this has been a very enlightening conversation, perhaps we’ll talk again when mr meuller’s investigation finishes up. If you are still president.

dt: What the hell do you mean by that you little ginger prick? Ever wonder where that head of orange brillo of yours came from? Bet you’re a bastard. You sure look like it. And trust me I know a goddam bastard when I see one.

Now get out of here you royal pain in the ass and grab me a diet coke while you’re up.