my jaundiced eye

the absurdities of life

Category: 2016 election

all in the family

all-in-the-family

Okay so MJE was going to give p.e.t. a pass this week on his cabinet choices, but how can I pass up ben carson’s touting his having once lived in public housing as a child as qualifying him to head up the department of housing and urban development. Well with that low bar of skill sets as a template MJE puts forth for consideration the following candidates to round out the conald’s cabinet.

Let’s start with secretary of state. The conald is looking for someone who will minimize diplomacy and establish more “transactional” ties to other countries. On its face that seems to indicate that he would approach every alliance with an eye to cost vs benefit and winners vs losers. Even if that means that we disengage from nato because, in his mind, there are members whom he feels do not pay their fair share. The fact that this policy might well lead to the proliferation of nuclear capabilities by  countries to protect themselves from aggressive neighbors doesn’t not seem to be of concern. In fact, the conald says have at it and may the best arsenal win. Respectful cooperation is for losers.

So with that in mind MJE puts forth decibelle for the position. Her weaponry consists of just one extremely powerful weapon: her vocal chords. With one diamond-shattering howl she can bring an entire household (or grocery store, school room or if necessary, an american adversary) to its knees without a drop of blood being shed or a dollar spent. Talk about cost effective! She, like p.e.t. never concedes defeat and does not stop until she bends others to her will. Putin, abbas, kim jung il…run for cover and a pair of earplugs. You are doomed.

Now, let’s take a look at commerce. I hesitate to be so bold as to put my name forward, but frankly I am totally qualified. MJE spends an inordinate amount of time engaged in it, amazon, ebay, etsy…I know them all better than anyone else. I endure their unrelenting onslaught of advertising algorithms and emails without submission and in fairness, do buy locally whenever possible. That is when the price is lower, availability is better and ease of purchase is superior, which unfortunately means not much.

Secretary of the interior is a slam dunk: daughter albatross, If anyone cares more about the interior, that is her own, then no one does. She is dedicated to that cause to the exclusion of everything else.

Secretary of defense, see above re: decibelle.

National security advisor: ditto.

Secretary of transportation, alhambra our lsd (long suffering daughter in law) would be an excellent choice. She spends hours every day on our country’s crumbling roads and bridges toting her offspring hither and thither. A battle tested road warrior, she will insure that the infrastructure improvements required to make her carpools easier and drive times shorter will be given top priority.

Head of the faa: Son knot seems a good pick, he travels for business a lot and not on some tricked out private jet. He feels the pain of american flyers, the ridiculous hub and spoke system, the inflated flight times to cover delays and enable airlines to crow about their on-time records, the seemingly endless array of surcharges, the cramped seating and surly service, not to mention the disgusting flying public who dress as though they are either headed to bed or just woke up and haven’t had a chance to shower. The last bit is probably out of the purview of the federal government but MJE thought she’d throw that in because something really needs to be done about it.

Small business administration obviously goes to the OB&C. He has managed to assiduously keep our business small through outmoded product lines, inflated salaries, inadequate employee oversight, understaffing and inertia. A perfect fit for running a governmental agency.

Frankly, MJE is pretty sure I could fill the entire cabinet with members of my family and the country wouldn’t be any worse off than with the current picks. Admittedly none of us has any governmental experience or know how but that does not seem to be a prerequisite for appointment anyway.

Just like the family trump.

the conald’s cabinet of escoriosities

the-conalds-cabinet

MJE is watching in horror and despair at the conald’s cabinet choices. Big time climate change denier at EPA, minimum wage opponent at labor, and generals in every other post so far including one who traffics in fake news…does anyone smell a coup of some sort brewing, oh, right that already happened. On the bright side, and as my loyal readers know full well, MJE is nothing if not the eternal optimist, it is really, really fun to see the conald summon his former rivals and detractors to the top of his dung heap on fifth avenue, tease them with the notion that they night get a place at the table, then gleefully throw them to the wolves. But not before they they have abandoned their purported strong principles, very publicly ruined their reputations and proved themselves to be nothing more than craven, pathetic, sniveling, opportunistic politicians. How much fun do you think the conald is having watching this spectacle? For him there is nothing better than the sweet smell of revenge, except perhaps Trump Cologne for Men.

But it probably doesn’t matter whom he chooses, because as one talking head said, every one of them will simply be undersecretary to ivanka&jared inc. Good god almighty, how did the greatest nation on the planet (as we like to call ourselves) end up with a troika of a trash talking, know nothing buffoon, his spookily placid daughter (who btw talks like she is still wearing a retainer and has maxed out on xanax) and her behind the scenes puppet master husband running the show? As they say in limbo land: “How low can you go?” Well, the answer my friends, is self-evident: pretty damned low.

And I haven’t even gotten to the conflict of interest part…the conald the president is now also the conald the landlord of his d.c. hotel, as well as the boss of the boss of the irs which is currently purportedly auditing his income taxes. Also our head of state with the ability and willingness to put the profitability of his companies before the best interests of the country. He allows his daughter to sit in on a diplomatic visit from the pm of japan whilst her company is in negotiation with a major japanese distributor of her trashy wares which happens to be largely owned by the japanese government. And now it has been reported that the conald will remain as executive producer on the apprentice reality show therefore sharing in the profits. Honestly, even stanley kubrick couldn’t make up a comedy this dark.

But as the aphorism goes, you get the government you deserve. When the coal mines don’t reopen, the steel mills don’t fire back up, the mexicans are still here, the muslims aren’t banned, the country isn’t majority white, companies and jobs still leave the country for cheaper places to operate and america is not in fact any greater than it is right now, don’t look at me.

And if things maybe actually get worse for the very people who put their foolish hopes and dreams in the hands of a man who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about any of them then I could go on twitter and say I told you so, if it weren’t so truly trumpian.

SAD

president-elect trump

president-trump-1

So working my way through the stages of grief after the election of the conald as president. I don’t even know what the stages are but I am pretty sure that I am not very far along. Trying to read the tea leaves in the conald’s selection of members of his transition team which is a crazy quilt of insiders, outsiders and know-nothings. MJE was heartened that the omnipresent campaign sycophant and speech background obscurer c biggie c was summarily dumped from the team’s top teir. May have something to do with the fact that he indicted, convicted and sentenced the conald’s son-in-law’s father to a rather long stretch in the pen for some sort of criminal malfeasance. I suppose it made him feel like a big-shot at the time but turns out it was a big shot in the foot. Ouch.

So the good mr pence has stepped in to oversee the ragtag lot. Better watch his step, don’t want to step on any of those trumpets toes…I’m no historian but I would venture to guess that this is the first presidential transition team that has the children of the candidate as primary advisors, because there are no competent professional governmental experts to rely on? MJE can only speculate that perhaps their primary job is to keep daddy from appointing anyone to key white house positions that might be beyond the pale.

Mission impossible. Blood may be thicker than water but not thick enough in politics. Crazier heads have prevailed and steve bannon, ceo of breitbart news a leading purveyor of alt-right news who helped the conald “hone his message” of anti-immigrant, anti-muslim, misogyny etc. has been picked to become “chief strategist.” For a man so obsessed with image, it seems odd that the conald would choose someone who looks like he was just dragged out of a skid row gutter.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but the conald’s vagaries in staff appointments, in addition to his total ignorance of the basics of governance is truly frightening. His support for far right wing ideology has latinos, gays, muslims and those who condemn hate speech protesting and fearing for their future and the future of their country.

On the other hand, the government has managed to do almost nothing for the last four years so let’s just hope that trend continues.   #stasisrocks!

 

 

and the winner is…

 

 

and the winner is....-1.jpg

@weiner

weiner

Jumpin’ jehohsaphat! is MJE the only person on earth, besides bernie, who is sick to death of shrillary’s emails. I thought we were (mixed metaphor alert!) in the home stretch and this chinese water torture of an election was almost over …but noooooo, there was one more curve ball no one saw coming…an intimation of further deception surfaced courtesy of the fbi, a byproduct of of their investigation into a sexual pervert, a man called weiner, who likes to send crotch shots of himself in his unmentionables to underage girls. And just to update any of MJE’s readers who may have recently crawled out of a cave without wifi , weiner is married to huma abedin, shrillary’s closest aide. Huma may or may not have exchanged emails with shrillary on weiner’s laptop, no pun intended, which is now in the hands of the feds.What does it say about us as a society that the groins of three men have figured so prominently in this election cycle.

MJE’s thinks the american public is totally missing the most important and mind boggling aspect of this tawdry tale.

A communal computer? What is this 1981? Seriously, people who can’t afford to feed their kids have their own computers…homeless people go to starbucks for the free wifi…every worker in every cubicle has a computer (or smart phone) squirreled away to secretly play fantasy football on the boss’s dime. There is a darn good reason they’re called “personal.” Even MJE and the OB&C don’t share a computer, however our emails are of absolutely no interest to anyone, even the recipients.

No matter who wins or loses the election, the republican pitch-forkers in congress will surely conduct endless hearings, grandstanding and wasting untold amounts of time and (our) money, trying to nail clinton’s electronic entrails to the wall instead of governing the country. Hey, they may even vote for her just so they can impeach her!

You heard it here first.

The only upside to this is if the conald does become president of the united states he’ll be as stuck as the rest of us and whatever idiotic ideas he might or might not have had to “make america great again” will be put on indefinite hold. But even better than that will be the spectacle of trump, having achieved the status of the most powerful person on the planet (in real life, not in his alternative universe) realizing too late that now he can’t get what he wants when he wants it like he could in the old days. SAD.

conald and co.

conald-and-co

Okay, so MJE and the OB&C were having dinner with friends the other night…it was a 4-4 tie politically. MJE knew that going in and thought I’d just keep my powder dry and wait for someone else to launch the first salvo. My good pal grinapple stepped up to the plate within minutes…a lifelong repub (although his father served as a high ranking member of jimma carter’s admin), he is a well-educated, thoughtful, caring person as well as being a raconteur of the highest order in typical southern tradition. He doesn’t like the conald but he can’t stand shrillary and he he is desperate to see the fetid governmental swamp in washington drianed. He put forth an argument that there have been unprepared, inexperienced people elected president in the past but that they governed responsibly by selecting capable, thoughtful, professional governmental veterans to advise and tutor them.

With that in mind, let’s take a look at the people with whom the conald has surrounded himself, a motley crew to be sure. Let’s start with his most trusted confidants and advisers the children of the corn (COTC) (see: Stephen King 1984 Thriller): ivanka, conald jr. and eric, offspring from his first marital foray. Unusual move, but they share his values and ethics so that’s something.

Next up we have corey lewandowski, a former bar bouncer (unverified but with the conald we live in a fact free zone and the core-man sure looks the part) whom he named as his original campaign manager. Perfect choice, as he had no experience running a political campaign, much less at the presidential level, just like his boss. He did however once work for a congressman ney who ended up in the clink over involvement in the abramoff scandal. He was also arrested and charged for bringing a loaded handgun (in his laundry bag) into the longworth house office building. Hey, I’m down with that, I always pack heat when I do my laundry (in my office). Plus he’s polish and we know what a sweet tooth the conald has for those eastern europeans…

After the COTC staged an intervention in the hopes that they might get big daddy to step back from the ledge and start acting like a real presidential contender instead of a deranged hamster, he reluctantly pivoted, sacked the core-man and took on kellyanne conway as campaign manager. An experienced operative, and one heck of a smiler, she is a perfect counterpoint to the conald’s perpetually pursed lips and scowling countenance. God help that poor wretch, imagine what her job is like…desperately trying to reason with the equivalent of an hormonally imbalanced temper tantrum-prone teenager who is fully prepared to burn down the house rather than clean his room.

Next up we have steve bannon, who is the “chief executive” of the conald’s campaign and who is also the chief executive of breitbart news, an organization that is on a perpetual witch hunt for voter fraud. But in a case of breathtaking irony, mr b is registered to vote at a house in florida which is abandoned and due to be demolished. Prior to that he registered himself using his ex-wife’s address, where he never lived…both residences happen to be in highly contested precincts in florida. Bannon is the conald whisperer hissing into his ear that should he lose it will be because of widespread voter fraud and a rigged system, something about which he knows.

Last but not by any means least we have roger ailes, who was recently forced to resign as head of fox news over multiple allegations (and a lawsuit) of sexual misconduct and who now has joined the campaign as an advisor. Frankly, MJE considers the mere sight of his repulsive mug as sexual harassment, which makes him a perfect ba-da-bing to the conald’s ba-da-bang whoever, wherever, whenever.

In electing the conald as president MJE likens it to trying to effect radical change to a dysfunctional mental health system by throwing out the experienced, but ineffective administrator and appointing the craziest inmate you can find to run the joint.

 

shrillary

shrillary

MJE gave the conald the what-for in the last post so in the interest of being fair and balanced I am training my sights on shrillary. There is so much to “unpack” there as the news nerds like to opine, but I really have just one fundamental question for her: why the hell didn’t she get a fricking face lift before she started running for president????

Did she think it would make her seem overly concerned about her appearance at the expense of being taken seriously? That it was too “girly”? WTF, look at john boehner and his man tan. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass what anybody thinks, he’s going orange or he’s going home. Or the conald for god’s sake, that comb over has enough product in it to meet the building code in tampa. You think he cares what people think, hell no, because he knows that everyone in the world, in the world, thinks his hair is great looking, so great looking.

But it’s not too late… if she gets elected, MJE thinks she damned well deserves to have a little work done. She’s got three months between election day and the inaugural, plenty of time for the swelling and bruising to go down. And I think everyone would applaud her bold move. I know I would. Aren’t we supposed to be in a post feminist world, whatever the hell that means. Listen, just because she’s the first female american president doesn’t mean she has to be a dead ringer for angela merkel, crap isn’t it enough that they obviously share a closet?

I know there are people who really just want her in shackles (better get XL, have you seen those ankles?) and hauled off to jail just because she’s a technoanderthal and couldn’t face having to figure out another whole email and phone thing. I am so with you sister, I’m asking santa for one of those jitterbug phones with the really big buttons that does nothing but make telephone calls. But I guess you can’t have one of those when you are secretary of state or president. So kick it old school, with real hand-written communications. After all we have the crazy amazing USPS at our beck and call, one forever stamp and done. Yes, the world crises may take a bit longer to be resolved but what’s a year or two in the great scheme of things? And, bonus points, you can blame the postmaster general if the entire middle east blows up.

But I guess MJE does have to address the nagging questions of shillary’s unfavorability/ untrustworthiness ratings…well you got me there. She reminds me of my hard-ass boarding school housemother, but with really elastic ethics. Mrs. Bumwad unfortunately never gave an inch when it came to everything from the dress code to the honor code. I know MJE speaks for the entire st. adnoid’s student population in saying that an occasional blind eye to misdeeds would have been greatly appreciated. Getting away with something you shouldn’t is a terrific morale booster as well as a great team builder. That’s probably why people working for shrillary are so loyal. AAA+ rating on glass door!

So the bottom line is: in this election cycle, if shrillary is elected, we have some hope but probably not much change. If not we’ll have plenty of change but little hope.

shrillary vs the conald

shrillery vs the conald 2

Okay for better or worse we’ve got our candidates: shrillary vs the conald. A hobson’s choice: sane but shifty or daft and dangerous. MJE is definitely more comfortable with a candidate who shades the truth (like who doesn’t every once in a while, seriously) than with someone who occupies an alternative reality: crooked hillary or demented donald.

But apparently the conald’s supporters have been over-served the koo-koo koolaid and stand behind him despite his seeming total ignorance of world events, his enmity toward people of different skin tones or religious affiliations and thinner skin than a spanish onion.

But let’s us give conald, credit where credit is due, he as a master at feeding his supporters just the right amount of pre-digested political pablum for them to intellectually absorb. His “solution” to every problem is reduced to as few monosyllabic words as possible, “build a wall,” “ban muslims,” “deport illegal aliens.” MJE’s suspects that the conald’s phraseology kills two birds with one stone: satisfies the appetite for simplistic solutions and allows the conald to get away without having to provide substantive answers to the country’s problems. And according to him, when the conald peers down from the tippy top of trump tower his view is of a country that has nothing but problems.

And poor mike pence (words I never thought would pass my lips), every time I see him standing behind trump he looks like he’s passing a kidney stone. But hey, he chose to throw his morals and christian values under the trump jumbo jet for the sake of….uhhh, what? Mike, Mike, Mike, ask yourself WWJD? So MJE’s sympathies are somewhat wan. Hey, if you hitch your political wagon to an egomaniacal stupid head whose sole raison d’etre seems to be to elevate himself to an object of unconditional adulation from the unthinking masses, well then my man you two are headed for the same special place in hell.

The conald has perverted the notion of the politician’s mantra of self-sacrificing public service to one of self-serving brand promotion.

Or is MJE just another loser who doesn’t get it?

be careful what you wish for

be careful what you wish for

Praise the lord (as I suppose the conald has been doing a lot lately since being born again…too bad it wasn’t in another country and century) the GOP convention has finally come to an end. And not a moment too soon, if MJE had to hear from one more cretin in a funny hat yammering on about how the conald is the only savior for what ails this god forsaken country I would seriously consider puncturing my own ear drums.

Ted Cruz’s speech was a barn burner, unfortunately it was his own barn. He’s as slimy and self-serving a politico as I have ever had the misfortune to watch, with an ego that can go toe to toe with the conald’s. His self-absorbed rant about people voting their values and conscience accomplished what four grueling days of the convention could not, actually making the conald look human. However, that’s a parlor trick you really can trot out just once because digging your own political grave while simultaneously elevating even further the biggest narcissistic gasbag in memory can’t be topped.

Now we know for certain that the conald is the ONLY person in this country who can solve the devastating conditions that plague our nation because he told us so. I must not have been paying attention because the landscape doesn’t look nearly as bleak as the conald described. But then again MJE always walks on the sunny side of the street, unless someone who looks sort of foreign happens to come along, then I hot foot it to the dark side until the threat passes. But if he’s right then my guess is that once inaugurated his first order of business (after gold plating all of the WH bathroom fixtures) will be to set up a cabinet post to design our own Hunger Games.

And poor Mike Pence, I never thought I would feel sorry for a guy who is straight out of central casting as a nazi storm trooper. He really must be one hellova needy individual to hitch his wagon to a sleaze ball who embodies the polar opposite of his purported principles, ideals and (christian) values, a man who’s ethics, if any, are as malleable as the filler in melamia’s lips. Mike, you sure better hope that jesus saves because buddy you are going to need it after making this faustian bargain.

I am guessing that as we have seen, the conald’s family will be very involved in his administration. Obviously, Ivanka has the chief of staff post nailed down and maybe head of the joint chiefs too. Eric is looking good for secretary of commerce, what with his business acumen selling trump wines to trump owned businesses. Tiffany’s a tough call, hmm, how about head of health and human services, she can be in charge of government-produced work out videos and testing new beauty products. Conald junior puts on a pretty swell show, got the swagger down, seems serious….how about ambassador to nato. Scratch that, forgot we don’t need nato. Then secretary of defense seems like a good slot for him, MJE is sure that he will be the steady hand and cool head when dear old dad gets pissed off and stomps off to the situation room with the nuclear codes.

Melania will have lots of time to fine-tune her sultry demeanor. Being first lady and running the white house is nothing compared to having to stay one step ahead of those wily trump kids.

born again

born again

MJE just heard that the conald has been born again. Holy crap wasn’t once enough?? If KRST (beaming from macon ga, 88.3 on your radio dial) can be believed, this time as an evangelical christian. Well played conald, all of your sins are forgiven, at least by almighty god. But MJE bets there are more than a few drywall hangers and carpet layers who are not quite there yet, having been summarily flushed down the economic toilet when you declared one of your four bankruptcies. Conald’s “conversion” sort of reminds me of the paraprosdokian, “ I asked god for a bike but I know he doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked for forgiveness.”

Just to clarify, this is the same conald who not too long ago spoke at liberty university, not to be confused with trump university. Although to be fair MJE is not familiar with the comparative curricula of the two institutions, nor the benefits of either on one’s resume. Liberty is one of those creepy fonts of (oxymoron alert!) baptismal intellectual knowledge where politicians routinely grovel for the evangelical vote. The conald launched his speech with the famous “two corinthians “ quote from the good book. I thought he was about to start a joke….”so 2 corinthians walk into a bar…” but no, he was dead serious and prattled on in the most cringe worthy example of political pandering that MJE has ever had the misfortune to witness. As the blessed student body sat in somewhat befuddled silence he actually asked for reassurance from the assembled flock that the biblical passage he had chosen was a winner, “this is the one you like, right?” Conald, stop before you kill again!!!

But all that has now been dumped into heaven’s septic tank of sin. Poof! Gone. The conald is now as pure as the new driven snow. Therefore MJE is assuming that whatever comes out of the conald’s mouth from here on is verily the word of god. FYaweh, better bring your A game because bringing jesus back from the dead is chump change compared to keeping the conald on the one true path.

Jeremiah 9:23-24

Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”

Amen. And good luck with that.