what’s a santa to do

what's a santa to do

MJE is extremely disturbed about what is fast becoming an existential crisis that will adversely affect every parent of every lousy brat on the planet. I’m not talking about global warming, that’s chump change compared to the apocalypse on our very doorstep.

Think about it…you’ve got the holiday season nipping at your ass. This is the most wonderful time of year for you and your family. Right? It’s all candy canes and gingerbread but more importantly it’s the one time of the year when you have real leverage over your insufferable rug rats. But these happy times will soon be but a dim memory. Coal mines are closing down and coal companies going bankrupt faster than you can figure out what country king wenseslas was ruling and what the what the feast of stephen’s has to do with the price of pretzels. It’s all well and good to talk about alternative energy sources but when you get down to the real nitty gritty, with what are you going to threaten the godforsaken little monsters? A propane tank in their stockings?

Frankly, it just doesn’t have the same cachet, plus the damned things are heavy as lead. And you know that sure as shootin’ they’re going to yank the nails smack out of the mantle, hit the floor like a ton of bricks and leave a divot the size of a baskeball in your hardwood floor. Now MJE does not believe the apocalypse is nigh, I’m not hoarding evaporated milk and MRE’s, oh no, I’m going to corner the market on a much more valuable commodity. As the holidays approach I am going to spend my time moseying along the nearest train track keeping a sharp eye out for the last stray lumps of coal that may have fallen off the final fossil fuel load.

Then MJE’s gonna sell them for top dollar on ebay. And boy will I have an eager buyer. Just how much is your sacroiliac worth to you, santa?