isis inc

isis inc


MJE has just learned that an Isis budget for the month of October from one of the provinces it controls was smuggled out and released to the press. Turns out, even isis has bean counters. It reads like a spread sheet from IBM for god’s sake. Who knew they used Quickbooks Pro Desktop 2015, Excel and US dollars as their currency of choice. I guess they hate everything about us except our technology and our money. Whatever.

Only about a third of their revenue comes from oil smuggled out of the country. The other revenues are generated by kidnapping ransoms, seizures of property, theft, blackmail and assorted other petty crimes. They’re like the crips, but with allah as their co-pilot. And can’t you just hear the monthly budget meeting, when the poor al’abalah responsible for kidnapping revenues misses his monthly goal. “Abdullah, what the quran??? You’re down 14% from last month! What are you guys doing out there, chewing qat and pitching tent poles under your thobes? You have got to get out there and hustle man, people aren’t going to kidnap themselves! And Haytham, I see you back there trying to slink out of the tent. Can you please tell me how you managed to let that filthy rich Masruq off for a lousy $10,000 in blackmail dough. I told you nothing less than $25,000 for that gasbag with his off shore accounts in Barbados and Bermuda. You are pathetic. Let it happen again and you are going to be one hand short, my little fariq.”

“Okay Qasim, what is this $125,000 expense for Kalashnikovs? That is insanely over budget!” “But boss, remember we ordered those cheap reconditioned ones on alibaba last month and they were worthless. You get what you pay for. And I really don’t think we want to project the image of terrorists who are waging jihad on the cheap, do you?”

“Well, you have a point. We’re not like those feckless American imperialist stooges who just print more money, generate ever-larger deficits and end up kicking the yumkin alqsdyr down the road for their children to deal with. I am proud to say that we actually work within a balanced budget and take fiscal responsibility just as seriously as we do killing apostates. So back to work, and remember to make every dinar count.”