my jaundiced eye

the absurdities of life

Category: narcissist

the really royal wedding

the real royal wedding

The following is taken almost verbatim  (with a bit of well deserved MJE embellishment) from the actual wedding website of a member of  the OB&C’s family.  To be crystal clear, not one of my kinfolk. The names have been changed to protect the profoundly narcissistic.  I chose not to include the “entourage” section with head shots of the bridesmaids and groomsmen, brief bios and their deeply personal histories with the bridal couple. And sadly I could not include the “gallery” of selfies of the lovely couple taken during their jaunts around the globe. Major landmarks are helpfully included in the background of each photo to ensure that unsophisticated viewers don’t miss the sheer fabulousness of their exotic, exclusive and obviously expensive, destinations.

welcome to our wedding website!

We can’t wait to share our super special day with all of you. The north carolina mountains are one of our most favorite places in the world. We have traveled just about everywhere that anyone would want to go, as you know from our facebook posts, but we are thrilled to get to show you all a glimpse into our most happy place. Who knows, it may even become your very own happy place too! If it does, I am a licensed realtor and would be super excited to help you find the perfect property. Well, after our awesome over the top extended honeymoon in bali that is! If you have additional questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us. If they are real estate related, my business contact info is below.

our story

Queen-e and gorgeous george met at a second tier college in january 2011 on the dance floor at a phi delt party during queen-e’s freshman year and gorgeous george’s senior year. They hit it off that night, and george got her “number” and a couple of days later, he called queen-e to ask her out to a date party. He continued to see her that semester, riding the campus hookuphickle to visit her at the freshman commons. Her friends were super impressed that she was dating a senior and his friends were super impressed that he was “dating” a freshman. A match made in heaven for all.

the never ending wedding events!  

 bridesmaids’ brunch      thursday  at 11:00am in the holler off buck belch road

Gal’s only! You boys get out on the links!

bbq and bluegrass       thursday at 7:00pm   by the “lake”

Bring your clogging shoes and growly tummies over to the lake where the banjos and fiddles will be whippin’ up some old timey mountain music. Don’t worry about any dueling banjos deliverance stuff here, everyone in this neck of the woods is from ponte vidra or buckhead.

welcome party         friday at 9:00pm  the ugly mutt saloon

We feel bad for all of you who didn’t get invited to the rehearsal dinner so we’re don’ this to cheer you up! Like you don’t feel special enough just to be included in this super great event! But we want to just make sure, so we’re havin’ a party just for you b-teamers at the ugly mutt. We’ll have even more of that good ole bluegrass music for you to enjoy washed down with some locally brewed artisanal beer or if you’re up to it some real honest to goodness moonshine. But be careful, remember this is a marathon not a sprint.  Think rush week!

pre-ceremony welcome      saturday  5:00pm at the farmstead

Yep, another welcome party! This is to get you pre-lubed for the night ahead! Again, think rush week, slow and steady gets the pledge card! FYI girls, flats or wedges! Leave those jmmy choo’s at home cause the incredibly picturesque farmstead is all about manicured lawns and gardens and of course a barn that martha stewart would die for. And boys, black tie is optional but preferred, this is a class act.

the ceremony      saturday  5:30-6:00 pm at the farmstead

The big event! Needless to say, my dress is the best ever. But do pay extra special attention to the exquisite vintage bruges lace detail on my train and the native wildflower garland in my hair, picked that morning by my beloved.

cocktail hour   6:00-7:00pm

The bar is open!

dinner and dancing    7:00-11:00pm

You got it, more bluegrass but with enough muscle shoals thrown in to get you up and shakin’ your money makers. We’ll be switching out bbq for a prime rib carving station, sushi and lobster rolls. But we’ll also have vegetarian options, and for those of you who are doing the whole30, relax we made sure you’re totally covered!

The evening will end with personally curated fireworks as we are whisked off in a quaint horse drawn carriage! Hands up gals to catch the bouquet!

We love you guys….so please be safe getting back to wherever you are staying. Be mindful of the presence of local law enforcement (and they are everywhere) as you try to drive on the winding pitch-black mountain roads after the past three days of unbridled bacchanalia. Good luck. Really. We mean it.

p.s. My dad’s a lawyer and our liability ends at 11:00pm.

And thanks for sharing our super special wedding weekend!

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summit or sand trap?

Summit or abyss?-1

Holy mother of pearl… how in less than a day did the conald manage to piss off all of our closest allies, basically telling them to go fork themselves, because we are goddam america and we don’t need you pathetic needy pipsqueaks. Not in the trenches, not in the foxholes, not in the deserts of the middle east and especially not in any trading partnerships. The photo of merkel and macron leaning over the table giving our petulant president a what for really said it all. But honey badger, he don’t give a shit.

The conald ditched out early from the g-7 (or g-6 as it is now being called since he made it plain that poppa’s got a brand new bag o’ of totalitarian bitches to hang with) because he was itching to jet to singapore for an historic tete a tete with kimchee, the infamous two bit dictator who imprisons and kills his own people (and familial competitors) not to mention threatens the world with nuclear annihilation. Totally get it. Our own dear leader, the “dealmaker” in chief, who could in his own words tell within 60 seconds if this “summit” had been worth the time and effort, apparently had his signals jammed by the north koreans or the chinese or both because it took him almost ten minutes to fold like a cheap suitcase and get zippo from kimchee in return…talk about a singapore sling! No more military exercises with the south koreans, sure whatever, relax the sanctions, why not, and most importantly the possibility of a trump golf resort in what is currently a wasteland devoid of vegetation or anything else the starving north koreans could get their hands on, absolutely! Cheap real estate and an even cheaper experienced hard working labor force, straight from the gulags. Let’s make a deal!

After the meeting the conald and kimchee did the secret handshake and stood shoulder to shoulder smiling before an array of flags of both nations. The conald beaming because he thought he’d just nailed that nobel thing and kimchee smiling because he couldn’t believe how easy it was to buffalo this idiot. He had to be thinking, can you believe this guy’s standing next to me smiling like a miss universe contestant when I’ve just picked both his pockets, in front of the entire world? Hilarious! And btw you should have seen how he begged me to tell him the secret to getting all my people to idolize me and paint my face on everything when all he could get was a few lousy gold plated signs (that he had to pay for) in front of a couple of crummy buildings. And damn he was positively horny for my military parades.

Smile on kimchee you have absolutely earned the right to gloat. Our president’s misguided belief in his own invincibility won’t allow him to entertain the notion that he’s been played, that he didn’t win the game. That he is a loser. Wait, what? That’s impossible in trumpworld! Didn’t happen, could never happen. The conald may not have mastered the ability to get all americans to exhibit the blind idolatry of the people of north korea yet but he’s certainly learned one thing: the art of creating propaganda flicks that extol his absolute superiority, despite all evidence to the contrary. All you doubting thomases out there,  how about you get comfy in your barcaloungers and watch  his team’s cringe worthy cinematic celebration of his incredible summit victory and learn the real truth.

Cue the painters!

 

the fawning of america

the fawning of america-1

MJE continues to be flabbergasted at what lengths the conald will go to quench his insatiable desire for adulation. The latest incident involved a cabinet meeting that was presumably meant to be an important discussion of pressing matters of state but was perverted by the conald into a cringe-worthy display of political masturbation.

Generally speaking cabinet meetings are pretty weighty occasions and not thrown open to the press, but as we all know the conald never misses an opportunity to exaggerate his accomplishments or seek affirmation. With that in mind, the meeting opened with the conald blathering at length that he has accomplished more than any other president in us history (he threw a bone to fdr and his handling of the depression, etc) so early in his presidency, despite any actual legislative action. He extoled his many take charge executive orders like rolling back job and people killing regulations. The reduction of government’s obligation to preserve clean air and water is a twofer, it reduces government expense and if people die, hey they are no longer jobless! The art of the deal indeed.

The cabinet members were reduced to fawning toadies. For all intents and purposes it could have been a collection of north korean lackeys addressing their dear leader. One by one they tried to outdo each other in a bizarre limbo land of how low can you go.

VP pap declared that even jesus’s miracles pale in comparison to what the conald has done. Water into wine, meh, what good does that do for teetotalers like el presidente, way more impressive is keeping religious competitors out of our country. Rinse Prebot, chief of staff declared that he had changed his sixteen year old son’s name from madison to donald and is working on a combover in tribute to his incredible boss. Wrecks Dullerson, our reclusive secretary of state, announced that he was divorcing his boring wife of 38 years and was actively wooing young eastern european beauties via tinder. He was happy to report that he has several great prospects lined up and effusively thanked the conald for being such a fantastic role model. Round and round went the revolting group grab ass, each expression of adoration eliciting a nod and smile from our own dear leader.

So this is what america’s top dogs have been reduced to, a bunch of bootlicking flunkeys who have abandoned all self-respect and permanently tainted their reputations in obeisance to a person who deserves absolutely none of it. Yo, what about their obligations to the american citizens whom they are duty bound to serve?

Get off your damned knees, stand up and speak truth to power, you cowards.

born again

born again

MJE just heard that the conald has been born again. Holy crap wasn’t once enough?? If KRST (beaming from macon ga, 88.3 on your radio dial) can be believed, this time as an evangelical christian. Well played conald, all of your sins are forgiven, at least by almighty god. But MJE bets there are more than a few drywall hangers and carpet layers who are not quite there yet, having been summarily flushed down the economic toilet when you declared one of your four bankruptcies. Conald’s “conversion” sort of reminds me of the paraprosdokian, “ I asked god for a bike but I know he doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked for forgiveness.”

Just to clarify, this is the same conald who not too long ago spoke at liberty university, not to be confused with trump university. Although to be fair MJE is not familiar with the comparative curricula of the two institutions, nor the benefits of either on one’s resume. Liberty is one of those creepy fonts of (oxymoron alert!) baptismal intellectual knowledge where politicians routinely grovel for the evangelical vote. The conald launched his speech with the famous “two corinthians “ quote from the good book. I thought he was about to start a joke….”so 2 corinthians walk into a bar…” but no, he was dead serious and prattled on in the most cringe worthy example of political pandering that MJE has ever had the misfortune to witness. As the blessed student body sat in somewhat befuddled silence he actually asked for reassurance from the assembled flock that the biblical passage he had chosen was a winner, “this is the one you like, right?” Conald, stop before you kill again!!!

But all that has now been dumped into heaven’s septic tank of sin. Poof! Gone. The conald is now as pure as the new driven snow. Therefore MJE is assuming that whatever comes out of the conald’s mouth from here on is verily the word of god. FYaweh, better bring your A game because bringing jesus back from the dead is chump change compared to keeping the conald on the one true path.

Jeremiah 9:23-24

Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”

Amen. And good luck with that.

troompaloompa

troopaloompa

Sorry for the lengthy delay since my last post but MJE has been immobilized, transfixed by the terrifying troompa-loompa juggernaut. I feel like a jew watching hitler and wondering what the hell happened. One day you’re part of a civil society that embraces the melding of different cultures and respects its citizens and the next you’re thrown in a boxcar or over a fence.

What do psychiatrists make of troompa-loompa’s behavior? Writing a profile of trump for Vanity Fair, Henry Alford asked the question, “Is Trump really a narcissist?” ‘For mental-health professionals, Donald Trump is at once easily diagnosed but slightly confounding.’ “Remarkably narcissistic,” said developmental psychologist Howard Gardner, a professor at Harvard Graduate School of Education. “Textbook narcissistic personality disorder,” echoed clinical psychologist Ben Michaelis. “He’s so classic that I’m archiving video clips of him to use in workshops because there’s no better example of his characteristics,” said clinical psychologist George Simon, who conducts lectures and seminars on manipulative behavior. “Otherwise, I would have had to hire actors and write vignettes. He’s like a dream come true.”

‘Mr. Trump’s bullying nature—taunting Senator John McCain for being captured in Vietnam, or saying Jeb Bush has “low energy”—is in keeping with the narcissistic profile.’ “In the field we use clusters of personality disorders,” Michaelis said. “Narcissism is in cluster B, which means it has similarities with histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder. There are similarities between them. Regardless of how you feel about John McCain, the man served—and suffered. Narcissism is an extreme defense against one’s own feelings of worthlessness. To degrade people is really part of a cluster-B personality disorder: it’s antisocial and shows a lack of remorse for other people. The way to make it O.K. to attack someone verbally, psychologically, or physically is to lower them. That’s what he’s doing.”

MJE dread’s the thought of troompa-loompa in the oval office, but should that occur I would relish being a fly on the wall of the dasha if he seeks the counsel of the world’s most narcissist ruler, rootin-tootin-putin, playing yoda to troompa-loompa’s luke skywaker. Talk about an alpha thug who really thinks outside the box and doesn’t hesitate to take bold self-serving action! RTP’s advice might go something like this: Mexicans entering the country illegally? Annex everything south of the rio grande and give it to the Palestinians, snap! knock off two birds with one stone. People not showing you enough respect? That’s why god made gulags. Politicians putting up roadblocks on your god-given path to being the best, I mean THE best president ever? Comrade, you frog march those pinheads right into ted cruz’s prayer circle and keep them there until every last liberal repents. Just the thought of it will make them fold like a cheap suitcase.

Dasvidaniya.

thanks loads

thanks loads

Well the holly, jolly frantic materialism of xmas is over until next month when it will slowly start to creep back in. I gave the OB&C a pasta maker and a “no oil fryer” both of which are still in boxes under my desk. Well, more accurately I gave them to myself and he was a pass through so I could feel self satisfied about my thoughtfulness and generosity. The OB&C doesn’t suffer such pangs of self doubt and so isn’t hypocritical enough to go to the transparently selfish trouble of getting me gifts. We’ve been married long enough for him to know that if I want something I will have long since beaten him to the punch before he ever picks up on any hints I might drop. And really, that whole charade is such a waste of time. My motto is: Decide what you want, get it, don’t ever use it, re-gift it and move on.

Apropos the business of the giving and the getting I was reading an article in that commie rag, the New York Times this Sunday about how the mere thought of being appreciative has become the latest means of spiritual masturbation. In the alternative universe of the truly narcissistic, simply thinking of being thankful, whether you express it or not is plenty good enough. Apparently, keeping a journal of your thoughts of appreciation is also a tonic for the self-absorbed soul. The heavy lifting of actually outwardly expressing your appreciation for something is totally unnecessary, just pondering it is sufficient. Making the effort to grunt out an actual thank you every once in a while or god forbid writing a thank you note simply demonstrates how incredibly insecure you are. Loser.

Well in the spirit of self-congratulation on her mindful appreciation MJE says, thanks for nothing.

will maybe work for tats

work for tattoos-1

The OB&C and MJE made a major decision the other day, after years of extortion we decided that we would draw a red line on the yoga mat and no longer pay Albatross’s rent. She is able bodied, if feeble minded, she shares her apartment with another person and presumably she is milking Krylon’s alleged father for a pound of flesh every month. Not to mention the generous state of CA which pays for therapy sessions for those seeking employment so they’ll feel better about themselves in case they ever decide to get off the dole and look for a job. I am sure the US taxpayers are also footing part of her expenses as well as god knows what other “sources of income” might be involved. She attends yoga classes in her endless leisure time and sports hundreds of dollars worth of tattoos. My guess is they both probably required cold hard cash payment in advance, but paying her own rent is apparently one expense too far. A tat on the wrist trumps a roof over the head.

The OB&C suspects she’s a prostitute, which would not be the #1 career goal I’d advocate for my child, but hey the world’s oldest profession probably pays pretty well and then she could damn well pay her rent. Of course it all boils down to the well being of “our grandchild” who will be homeless. Excuse me but how did we suddenly become Krylon’s primary custodians? Doesn’t he have a mother (and technically a father too)? Besides, we’ve already been there and done that with Bandoliera-Saturnalia and our child rearing get up and go has long since gotten up and gone.

Albatross’s lack of education or skills which are hindering her job search have also somehow become our burden to bear. We did everything short of shackling her to the school desk and paid for several failed educational forays into things such as aesthetician and hair dresser schools. Unfortunately the money that was to to pay for tuition went elsewhere and she took out student loans for the programs she never attended. Those bad boy collectors are still on her like beans on rice. Insert smiley face emoticon here.

Actually, she should put her dominant personality trait and skill set to productive use and find employment as a professional harpy. There are any number of career paths in which she would excel: meter maid, toll booth collector, health insurance claims agent. She’d be happy as a pig in slop telling people that she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about their problems and before they get too wound up, the answer to whatever they might need is a resounding no. Next!

Or maybe she could join the ranks of the collection agents hounding people to pay back their student loans, one field in which she has extensive experience.