Just when I thought I’d won the political powerball with my invitation to participate in a tea party survey, yet another amazing thing happened. I received a personal missive from Juan Manuel Contreras, Ph.D., Senior Data Scientist, Democratic National Committee!
Of course I have received numerous emails from President Obama, and the missus, Joltin Joe Biden, Debbie “do something with that hair” Wasserman Schultz, the DNC headquarters and the DNC war room (hope Merkin Muffley and Buck Turgidson* are in there) but this is the first one from the senior data scientist. I thought I’d made some bonehead life choices but this doofus spent decades in school so he can spend the rest of his miserable existence staring at spreadsheets and computer screens all the livelong day. Get a life J Man.
But I digress. Juan certainly knows his data because he had me at “Hi, Martha-” I don’t want my readers to miss one word from Juan’s note so I’ll just paste some of it below in its original bold and underlined blue type and exclamation points:
Hi, Martha —
I’m in charge of tracking our online support — seeing which petitions supporters like you are signing, what issues you care most about, that sort of thing.
‘Anyway when I came across your supporter record the other day, I noticed that it’s really good! You’re in the top six percent of Democrats who are active online supporters, and we can’t thank you enough for that, Martha. Without your activism, President Obama and other Democrats would have a tough time doing what they do.
In fact, since you’re such a strong supporter, I have a guess that you might be interested in becoming a monthly sustainer — especially because for a limited time, we’ll send you a free sticker when you do. If I’m right, and you are interested, you can get started right here (it only takes a second).’
So, let me know! If you’re interested in taking the next step of support, and getting a free sticker, do it here. But no matter what, thanks so much for everything you’ve done, and will continue to do:’
I mean who can resist that pitch! Juan hits just the right tone, informal and folksy and totally nails the “we’re in this together” vibe. And I’m in the TOP six percent of Dems who are active online supporters. That means that 94% gave less than $25 which, if I were Juan, would be a deeply troubling bit o’ data. And boy does Juan know me, a free sticker, hell I’d rob a convenience store for one of those.
Sadly Juan started to go off the rails when he “guessed” that I might like to become a “sustaining member.” The only things I sustain are my hair coloring appointments, my Amazon Prime membership and my supply of gin. I just don’t have the time to sustain the Democratic party too. Even if it only takes a second! Juan, love ya, but I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck, the only thing that takes just a second is your last breath.
I really hate to be the one who makes it even tougher for el presidente and the other Democrats to do what they do. But if Juan could provide me with a detailed report of exactly what that is I might be inclined to be more supportive. And it was nice to be thanked for everything I’ve done but Don Juan started sounding like a creepy scientologist when he added “and will continue to do.” Back off buddy, MJE doesn’t like being rushed into any sort of meaningful relationship, not without dinner and a movie first.
* see Dr. Strangelove