my jaundiced eye

the absurdities of life

Category: politics

the fawning of america

the fawning of america-1

MJE continues to be flabbergasted at what lengths the conald will go to quench his insatiable desire for adulation. The latest incident involved a cabinet meeting that was presumably meant to be an important discussion of pressing matters of state but was perverted by the conald into a cringe-worthy display of political masturbation.

Generally speaking cabinet meetings are pretty weighty occasions and not thrown open to the press, but as we all know the conald never misses an opportunity to exaggerate his accomplishments or seek affirmation. With that in mind, the meeting opened with the conald blathering at length that he has accomplished more than any other president in us history (he threw a bone to fdr and his handling of the depression, etc) so early in his presidency, despite any actual legislative action. He extoled his many take charge executive orders like rolling back job and people killing regulations. The reduction of government’s obligation to preserve clean air and water is a twofer, it reduces government expense and if people die, hey they are no longer jobless! The art of the deal indeed.

The cabinet members were reduced to fawning toadies. For all intents and purposes it could have been a collection of north korean lackeys addressing their dear leader. One by one they tried to outdo each other in a bizarre limbo land of how low can you go.

VP pap declared that even jesus’s miracles pale in comparison to what the conald has done. Water into wine, meh, what good does that do for teetotalers like el presidente, way more impressive is keeping religious competitors out of our country. Rinse Prebot, chief of staff declared that he had changed his sixteen year old son’s name from madison to donald and is working on a combover in tribute to his incredible boss. Wrecks Dullerson, our reclusive secretary of state, announced that he was divorcing his boring wife of 38 years and was actively wooing young eastern european beauties via tinder. He was happy to report that he has several great prospects lined up and effusively thanked the conald for being such a fantastic role model. Round and round went the revolting group grab ass, each expression of adoration eliciting a nod and smile from our own dear leader.

So this is what america’s top dogs have been reduced to, a bunch of bootlicking flunkeys who have abandoned all self-respect and permanently tainted their reputations in obeisance to a person who deserves absolutely none of it. Yo, what about their obligations to the american citizens whom they are duty bound to serve?

Get off your damned knees, stand up and speak truth to power, you cowards.

howdy saudi


howdy saudi

Whew, the trump circus has skipped town, and not a moment too soon. Literally the entire white house staff is going along on this trip, it makes one wonder who’s left in dc to run the ship of state, oh right, pap’s here. Every one of the white house toadies are clinging to our ape in chief like those iron filings that clump around a metal stylus to form a beard on a cartoon man’s face. They are terrified that the moment they are not right next to el presidente one of their colleagues is going to finger them for leaking or lying or even worse telling the truth to some news outlet.

Most experienced politicians who are elected president plan a soft-ball trip as their first foreign state visit, to get to know the territory, protocols, logistics, brush up on the culture, etc.  however, in true trump fashion it’s balls to the wall and screw all that crap. He’s hitting saudi arabia, israel, italy and the vatican (a two fer) and belguim which he once described as a “beautiful city.” If he weren’t coming bearing billions in military contracts, aid or other us largesse I suspect that his reception might be less than cordial considering he has offended most of the people in most of the countries he’s visiting.

On touch down in riyadh the conald was greeted by king salmon himself resplendent in dazzling white (800m thread count egyptian cotton) robes and a head dress held in place by a classic basic black bungee. Trump’s attire for his first foreign state visit did not vary from his go-to navy men’s warehouse suit because why mess with success? Melanoma opted for an all black wide legged onesy, sort of like an abaya but with a bit more panache and a clue to the fact that women do have two legs, and something super special in between too! I suppose black was a respectful nod to the local saudi custom of wrapping their women in dark polyester, but the squint eyed fashionista of fifth avenue couldn’t resist a bit of bling, accessorizing with a foot wide gold lame belt. As much as the conald loves all things gilt, I doubt even he can match the saudis, and frankly it’s really not good manners to try to beat your hosts at their own game. King salmon awarded the conald the gilded collar of abdulaziz al saud, saudi arabia’s highest civilian honor, which dazzled him bigly, probably unaware that there might be a connection between it and the $100B military sales package he inked a few hours later. I did see a video of him and the (male) members of his cabinet awkwardly swaying to a traditional ardha saudi sword dance. Wincing in embarrassment, and perhaps pain at having to keep lifting a pretty heavy sword, he looked like a clumsy adolescent at his first co-ed, but since the intent of the dance is to “re-pledge allegiance to the king” he really should have been partying like it’s 1999.

In his speech to the assembled gingham shrouded heads of state he sounded almost rational, albeit heavily medicated, making just the right noises about how terrorism is a perversion of islam and we all just need to be friends to combat these bad eggs, yada, yada, yada. It was what a cd of trump the campaigner would sound like if it were played backwards. Mind you he does have that muslim ban on hold out in the 9th circuit…wouldn’t it have been a hoot if just as he was speaking, al jazeera interrupted with breaking news that the ban had been re-instituted. AWKWARD.

Stay tuned.

seven days in may…

what a week

MJE has been recently compelled to work triple time, which I resent, to find anything humorous about what the hell is happening in our country at the moment. It wasn’t bad enough that the lily livered, mean spirited repubes folded like cheap suitcases to take health care coverage away from millions of americans. Admittedly under tony soprano worthy muscle from the congressional brute squad led ironically by nerdroid ryan and our scary clown president, who knows about as much about the legislative process as he does about setting the thermostat at mar a lago.

In typical trumpian fashion, our dear leader demanded that this poorly drafted wealthcare bill be jammed through the house minus a CBO score or even having been read by the people who voted for it. Furthermore, this craven bunch was subsequently feted at a celebratory kegger in the rose garden hosted by el presidente, apparently unaware that it takes two to tango when it comes to actually passing legislation. It is perversely comforting that the sniveling scrooges in the house who voted for this bill now cannot even go back to their districts for fear of being jeered off their town hall stages by their constituents.

But it gets so much better, or worse. These guys (literally, almost entirely, white men) walked the proverbial political plank to give a “win” to a president who, before the beer pong table was even cleared, fired the head of the fbi without cause, an act which is virtually unprecedented in american history. He then reverse-engineered the dismissal to justify his action with some sort of fig leaf memorandum drawn up by a.g. assassions (who had pledged to recuse himself from anything regarding russia and trump) and the formerly well respected deputy a.g. ohnosenstein. Trump’s true rationale, in his own words a few days later, was that comey was already a gone pecan because wouldn’t quash the “fake news” probe into russian involvement with his campaign. Inevitably and almost immediately, his inconsistencies and prevarications were promptly outed, resulting in, what else, a series of looney trump tweets, which will henceforth be referred to as twurps, making veiled threats aimed at anyone who might be tempted to leak information contrary to his fictional assertions. Dicey spicey was thanking his lucky stars that he was away from the podium during this debacle fulfilling his national guard obligation. Unsubstantiated, but entirely credible reports are that as soon as he his commitment was concluded he made a beeline to the army recruiting station to re-up for four years on the front line in our new offensive in afganistan. In his absence honey boo boo huckabee was trotted out to spread trump’s gospel of the alternative fact. Lordy girl yur pappy is a preacher, you had better log some hard time in the pew this sunday.

MJE is not a trained fire fighter, except with regard to domestic flare-ups, but even I know that it isn’t wise to throw gasoline on a smoldering fire that you wish to extinguish. Trump however, who in his own mind is a master salesman who can control any narrative, made a boner move in believing that sacking the director of the fbi would somehow divert attention from the mushrooming evidence of russian collusion. But like a lemming racing for the cliff, he just could not put on the brakes, in fact he stomped on the accelerator with his contention in comey’s letter of dismissal, the nonsensical assertion that comey had assured him, on three separate occasions, that he is not under investigation. MJE strongly advises that you give your gawping shovel mouth a rest and quit digging.

Conald, conald conald…this isn’t the sleazy new jersey real estate market you used to game. You have landed yourself unwittingly, in the oval office as the leader of the free world, god help us all. It is arguably the single most powerful position on the planet, but one whose authority, as designed by the framers of the constitution is constrained by two other co-equal branches of government. Too bad they didn’t write that document in a series of tweets, in which case you might be aware of that.

MJE is setting the impeachment clock. Tick tock, tick tock.



game of clowns

game of clowns

MJE is in a state of exhaustion watching the frenetic pace at which the president and his goon squad are digging such a massive political sinkhole. I am also deeply embarrassed at the level of ineptitude exhibited by the aforementioned bunch of birdbrains. If I didn’t know better, I’d suspect they were deliberately trying to make themselves appear as stupid as possible.

Of course this all stems from the chowder head in chief whose itchy thumbs started the most recent debacle, tweeting that obama wire tapped trump tower. The tweet was designed to divert attention from the ever-rising tide of suspected russian entanglements with his campaign, transition team and now white house staff. That is what might be aptly described as shooting oneself in the foot because it trained a laser spotlight on exactly what he didn’t want people to examine.

Devin nunes, the head of the house select committee on intelligence (which is in and of itself oxymoronic in the extreme given that he appears to be an exceedingly dim bulb) is a button-eyed toady previously attached to the trump transition team. Wow, excellent non-partisan choice speaker ryan. Nunes exudes guilt with every twitch. His black eyes dart from side to side avoiding contact as he nervously shifts from one foot to another. If he were in a police line up there is no way he wouldn’t get fingered by anyone with halfway normal vision.

And surprise, surprise, surprise, he did do a naughty! Nunes sprinted over to the white house in the dark of night to supposedly review classified information which was intended to back up the president’s unfounded accusation of wire tapping. He was in such a big fat hurry that he didn’t have time to inform the ranking democrat on his committee, a boner move by any standard, but he managed to top even that by refusing to disclose what the materials were or where he got them. He did however manage to squeeze in two separate press conferences to declare that innocent people had been swept up by incidental monitoring by the big bad intelligence community, a group you really shouldn’t piss off. Devin, devin, devin, just stop! You are embarrassing yourself and by extension the rest of us here in the good ole us of a. I have no idea where the hell the 22nd district of california is but please do us all a favor and scuttle back there. asap

But things continue to get worser and worser for the conald and his cronies with every passing hour as the purveyors of fake news like the nyt, wapo, cnn, etc. close in and the wobbly ship of state continues to leak like a sieve. Don’t look now, but there is a pack of ballpoint pen wielding bloodhounds right behind all you nincompoops, baying and clawing at the west wing portico. They’ve caught the scent of deceit and will not be stopped until they get to the truth. You can prop dicey spicey up every day in the briefing room tying his hangman’s rope in knots trying to explain all of this away but, fyi, not gonna happen.

Did those guys not learn anything from richard nixon and his handling of watergate? Everyone else in the country that witnessed it remembers the cardinal rule of politics: it’s not the crime, it’s the cover up, stupid.




fast and furious


MJE is unable to keep up! I knew the conald said he’d work fast but who knew that within the first six weeks of his becoming president he’d go from having to fire his head nsa guy, to having his attorney general recuse himself from an investigation because he lied under oath during his confirmation hearing all the way to accusing obama of tapping his phone. The post MJE worked so hard on and was just about put up is now effectively obsolete. Thanks loads conald. And the whip lash is killing me.

I always thought he was off his nut, living in his own alternate reality but he is now in certifiable crazy land. Courtesy of course of his irritable bowel three am twitter feed. I read somewhere that his most irrational tweets tend to come on saturdays when ivanka and jared are observing the sabbath and unable to hit the delete button. Please kids, forget about the fricking sabbath and save the goddam country. Or at least ask yaweh to keep an eye on dear old dad while you are not doing whatever you’re not supposed to do on the sabbath. The united states of america just can’t take another one of pop’s unsupervised unhinged saturdays.

A spokesperson for former president obama delivered a beauty of a barbed denial, stating that “A cardinal rule of the obama administration was that no white house official ever interfered with any independent investigation led by the department of justice.” Snap! In one short sentence it denied the unfounded allegation and simultaneously indicated that if the doj had been investigating trump they had nothing to do with it. Yoo, hoo…doj, could you comment on your investigation of conald’s ties to russia? Oh, can’t say anything about any ongoing investigation or if there even is one? So you don’t deny that there might be an investigation into the conald’s ties to russia? Yikes, seems like the conald might have shot himself in the gucci with that tweet storm. SAD.

I can only guess that the intent of the wire tapping tweet was to deflect attention from the ever increasing number of campaign staff and advisors who have forgotten that they’d actually spoken with, met with or grabbed a pirozhki  with some russian official or other….I think the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders refers to this phenomenon as mass hysterical self-preservation amnesia. With regard to the conald’s mental state MJE understands that the soon to be published revised edition of the dsm required a separate appendix for that.

the conald’s cabinet of escoriosities


MJE is watching in horror and despair at the conald’s cabinet choices. Big time climate change denier at EPA, minimum wage opponent at labor, and generals in every other post so far including one who traffics in fake news…does anyone smell a coup of some sort brewing, oh, right that already happened. On the bright side, and as my loyal readers know full well, MJE is nothing if not the eternal optimist, it is really, really fun to see the conald summon his former rivals and detractors to the top of his dung heap on fifth avenue, tease them with the notion that they night get a place at the table, then gleefully throw them to the wolves. But not before they they have abandoned their purported strong principles, very publicly ruined their reputations and proved themselves to be nothing more than craven, pathetic, sniveling, opportunistic politicians. How much fun do you think the conald is having watching this spectacle? For him there is nothing better than the sweet smell of revenge, except perhaps Trump Cologne for Men.

But it probably doesn’t matter whom he chooses, because as one talking head said, every one of them will simply be undersecretary to ivanka&jared inc. Good god almighty, how did the greatest nation on the planet (as we like to call ourselves) end up with a troika of a trash talking, know nothing buffoon, his spookily placid daughter (who btw talks like she is still wearing a retainer and has maxed out on xanax) and her behind the scenes puppet master husband running the show? As they say in limbo land: “How low can you go?” Well, the answer my friends, is self-evident: pretty damned low.

And I haven’t even gotten to the conflict of interest part…the conald the president is now also the conald the landlord of his d.c. hotel, as well as the boss of the boss of the irs which is currently purportedly auditing his income taxes. Also our head of state with the ability and willingness to put the profitability of his companies before the best interests of the country. He allows his daughter to sit in on a diplomatic visit from the pm of japan whilst her company is in negotiation with a major japanese distributor of her trashy wares which happens to be largely owned by the japanese government. And now it has been reported that the conald will remain as executive producer on the apprentice reality show therefore sharing in the profits. Honestly, even stanley kubrick couldn’t make up a comedy this dark.

But as the aphorism goes, you get the government you deserve. When the coal mines don’t reopen, the steel mills don’t fire back up, the mexicans are still here, the muslims aren’t banned, the country isn’t majority white, companies and jobs still leave the country for cheaper places to operate and america is not in fact any greater than it is right now, don’t look at me.

And if things maybe actually get worse for the very people who put their foolish hopes and dreams in the hands of a man who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about any of them then I could go on twitter and say I told you so, if it weren’t so truly trumpian.


oh no! bama care


MJE is going to take a quick commercial break from politics and tackle another topic just this once. Obama care.

This program is in the headlines right now because it has been announced that premiums may go up as much as twenty five percent in the coming year…. AAAAGGGGHHH….zombies are on the front porch, help me! They’re eating my dog and tromping on my landscaping!

I’m not sure where people get their health insurance but from a lifetime of paying premiums to BC/BS I can state without fear of contradiction that my premiums rose about 20% on average every year. And hello, did I hear anyone screaming about it, no I didn’t because the fact of the matter is that insurance companies of every stripe have you by the short hairs. What are you going to do, say screw you and get insurance somewhere else…oops, then you get into the whole pre-existing condition fun house, or the you’re pretty old to be shopping around septic tank, or whatever other excuse they can haul out to either deny you coverage or to charge you ten times what your current provider does. Better the devil you know than the one you don’t. And when they get tired of you because you actually filed a claim, you’re dropped like one of the conald’s wives…I was lucky enough to get sick when I was 64, maxed out my annual and lifetime deductions and finally got a portion of my pound of flesh out of my long and costly association with BC/BS…and the best part of it was that as of 1/1/16 I was on medicare and they couldn’t drop me…and people don’t believe in karma?

But BTW, medicare ain’t no picnic either, lower premiums, really? Single payer!!!! Woo hoo!!!! By the time I pay the regular (income adjusted) premium, add the extra part Z to cover the dreaded “donut hole” and the prescription add-on I am at about 140% of what I was paying BC/BS. Which unbeknownst to me is not even available to those of us who have survived long enough to enjoy our golden years unless we are covered by a major corporate insurance plan. You’re in, like it or not. Wanna contest a claim denial, opt for an IRS audit instead, it’s far less labor intensive and stressful.

So the conald (commercial break is over kids) is touting (or trouting in the vernacular) the tired repeal and replace trope. Part of his plan is to offer health savings accounts. Yo, dono! head’s up, HSA’s have been around for decades…and they are great. You sign up for a high deductible health insurance plan and you sock away $5K or so a year into an account that is untaxed as long as you pay medical bills with the funds. But, just so you know, that $5K doesn’t arrive on your doorstep like a publisher’s clearinghouse sweepstakes check, you actually have to have the money to put in there. So say you’re living on $50K a year before taxes, does it seem likely that you might have a spare 10% of your gross income to put in an HSA? Thanks for the thoughtful and incisive input conald.

Then there is the “erasing of state lines” thing…not sure about other providers but BC/BS seems to cover medical expenses incurred over state lines without a problem as long as your doctor is within the BC/BS network. Admittedly, coverage expenses can vary greatly from state to state so MJE is going to give the conald a passing grade for that, although he get’s an f for originality.

I can’t actually remember what the other parts of his plan were because when he reads from the teleprompter it’s like watching a hostage video, and I have to turn it off and lie down.

But the upshot of the conald’s plan is that everyone is going to have great, really great medical care for a low, really low price and we’re all going to beat the house at black jack. Speaking of which, how does a casino lose money…seriously, how does that happen? Maybe we’ll find out if the conald gets his hands on the us treasury’s checkbook…



Jumpin’ jehohsaphat! is MJE the only person on earth, besides bernie, who is sick to death of shrillary’s emails. I thought we were (mixed metaphor alert!) in the home stretch and this chinese water torture of an election was almost over …but noooooo, there was one more curve ball no one saw coming…an intimation of further deception surfaced courtesy of the fbi, a byproduct of of their investigation into a sexual pervert, a man called weiner, who likes to send crotch shots of himself in his unmentionables to underage girls. And just to update any of MJE’s readers who may have recently crawled out of a cave without wifi , weiner is married to huma abedin, shrillary’s closest aide. Huma may or may not have exchanged emails with shrillary on weiner’s laptop, no pun intended, which is now in the hands of the feds.What does it say about us as a society that the groins of three men have figured so prominently in this election cycle.

MJE’s thinks the american public is totally missing the most important and mind boggling aspect of this tawdry tale.

A communal computer? What is this 1981? Seriously, people who can’t afford to feed their kids have their own computers…homeless people go to starbucks for the free wifi…every worker in every cubicle has a computer (or smart phone) squirreled away to secretly play fantasy football on the boss’s dime. There is a darn good reason they’re called “personal.” Even MJE and the OB&C don’t share a computer, however our emails are of absolutely no interest to anyone, even the recipients.

No matter who wins or loses the election, the republican pitch-forkers in congress will surely conduct endless hearings, grandstanding and wasting untold amounts of time and (our) money, trying to nail clinton’s electronic entrails to the wall instead of governing the country. Hey, they may even vote for her just so they can impeach her!

You heard it here first.

The only upside to this is if the conald does become president of the united states he’ll be as stuck as the rest of us and whatever idiotic ideas he might or might not have had to “make america great again” will be put on indefinite hold. But even better than that will be the spectacle of trump, having achieved the status of the most powerful person on the planet (in real life, not in his alternative universe) realizing too late that now he can’t get what he wants when he wants it like he could in the old days. SAD.

conald and co.


Okay, so MJE and the OB&C were having dinner with friends the other night…it was a 4-4 tie politically. MJE knew that going in and thought I’d just keep my powder dry and wait for someone else to launch the first salvo. My good pal grinapple stepped up to the plate within minutes…a lifelong repub (although his father served as a high ranking member of jimma carter’s admin), he is a well-educated, thoughtful, caring person as well as being a raconteur of the highest order in typical southern tradition. He doesn’t like the conald but he can’t stand shrillary and he he is desperate to see the fetid governmental swamp in washington drianed. He put forth an argument that there have been unprepared, inexperienced people elected president in the past but that they governed responsibly by selecting capable, thoughtful, professional governmental veterans to advise and tutor them.

With that in mind, let’s take a look at the people with whom the conald has surrounded himself, a motley crew to be sure. Let’s start with his most trusted confidants and advisers the children of the corn (COTC) (see: Stephen King 1984 Thriller): ivanka, conald jr. and eric, offspring from his first marital foray. Unusual move, but they share his values and ethics so that’s something.

Next up we have corey lewandowski, a former bar bouncer (unverified but with the conald we live in a fact free zone and the core-man sure looks the part) whom he named as his original campaign manager. Perfect choice, as he had no experience running a political campaign, much less at the presidential level, just like his boss. He did however once work for a congressman ney who ended up in the clink over involvement in the abramoff scandal. He was also arrested and charged for bringing a loaded handgun (in his laundry bag) into the longworth house office building. Hey, I’m down with that, I always pack heat when I do my laundry (in my office). Plus he’s polish and we know what a sweet tooth the conald has for those eastern europeans…

After the COTC staged an intervention in the hopes that they might get big daddy to step back from the ledge and start acting like a real presidential contender instead of a deranged hamster, he reluctantly pivoted, sacked the core-man and took on kellyanne conway as campaign manager. An experienced operative, and one heck of a smiler, she is a perfect counterpoint to the conald’s perpetually pursed lips and scowling countenance. God help that poor wretch, imagine what her job is like…desperately trying to reason with the equivalent of an hormonally imbalanced temper tantrum-prone teenager who is fully prepared to burn down the house rather than clean his room.

Next up we have steve bannon, who is the “chief executive” of the conald’s campaign and who is also the chief executive of breitbart news, an organization that is on a perpetual witch hunt for voter fraud. But in a case of breathtaking irony, mr b is registered to vote at a house in florida which is abandoned and due to be demolished. Prior to that he registered himself using his ex-wife’s address, where he never lived…both residences happen to be in highly contested precincts in florida. Bannon is the conald whisperer hissing into his ear that should he lose it will be because of widespread voter fraud and a rigged system, something about which he knows.

Last but not by any means least we have roger ailes, who was recently forced to resign as head of fox news over multiple allegations (and a lawsuit) of sexual misconduct and who now has joined the campaign as an advisor. Frankly, MJE considers the mere sight of his repulsive mug as sexual harassment, which makes him a perfect ba-da-bing to the conald’s ba-da-bang whoever, wherever, whenever.

In electing the conald as president MJE likens it to trying to effect radical change to a dysfunctional mental health system by throwing out the experienced, but ineffective administrator and appointing the craziest inmate you can find to run the joint.


grope a dope


MJE is extremely sorry about the long lapse since the last post but I am virtually paralyzed by an election cycle so bizarre that even MJE’s twisted mind could not conjure it up. WTF is going on in this nutso country? How did our much lauded democratic landscape devolve into a huge septic field full of exactly what one would expect to find there. And worse, ever the gimlet eyed realist, MJE sees this fecal swamp expanding faster than the louisiana coastline is disappearing, and I fear that the toxic level of anger and resentment that the american populace seems to harbor against one another isn’t likely to dissipate come November 9.

That said, there is enough gallows humor to put a smile on even rudy giuliani’s disturbingly frightening bug eyed mug. When surrogates like rudy and newt start hopping on their high horses about fidelity and trust you really do begin to think you are living in the upside down, (see: Netflix: stranger things) an alternate reality that is a very dark and dangerous replication of the real thing. A world in which a man running for president of the united states can create a fact-free bubble in which everything he claims to be true is belied by what has actually transpired and verified either by his own words or by those of witnesses, yet is still swallowed snout to tail by his unquestioning followers.

Sorry, was trying to find something humorous in this scenario…stop. RESET.

Let’s take the debates…no seriously…take them, please. As I write this, I am watching the conald rant and rave over the allegations that shrillary was given the questions and answers for her debate with bernie, in advance, something which the conald is whining NEVER happened to him. 😦   No shite sherlock…what sane person would provide you with the garbled, irrational word salad that constituted your “answers”?

Let’s just relive a few of the agonizingly erratic, uninformed and mind bogglingly unhinged responses the conald provided when he wasn’t lurching around the stage like a guy looking for his glasses, until finally settling in so close behind shrillary that they might have been jammed in a crowded subway car.

Q: mr trump, what specific plans do you have to alleviate the wealth gap between the super rich and the poor of this country?

A: benghazi

Q: mr trump, could you please elaborate?

A: emails

Q: mr trump, how could a person who describes himself as the greatest deal-maker of all time manage to lose almost a billion dollars in one year in a rising real estate market?

A: isis

Q: mr. trump, you dismiss your incredibly disgusting, misogynistic comments about assaulting women as “locker room” talk? Have you ever actually been in a locker room?

A: Hell no! Are you kidding? Do you know how many athlete foot germs there are in a place like that? I wouldn’t go into a locker room if it were the only place on earth where I could grope a woman without witnesses! I mean look at my physique, do I look like someone who wastes my precious time in a gym?

Q: mr trump, after your having disparaged hispanics, muslims, immigrants, women, veterans, gold star families and the republican establishment (so far), how do you think that there are enough voters left in the country to get you elected?

A: Stupid question. Really stupid. You are a total loser moderator. But I’ll answer it since I’m stuck here for 90 minutes anyway. If I can get away without paying federal income tax for almost two decades, very publicly cheat on my wife, describe my daughter as “a nice piece of ass,” gloat about my ability to sexually assault women without consequence, declare bankruptcy six times and stiff hundreds of contractors and small businesses, illegally fund my campaign from my eponymous 5013c non profit foundation to which I haven’t actually donated in years, renege on a promise to contribute to a veterans support organization (until publicly shamed and then reluctantly contributing with funds from said foundation that had actually been received from other non-profits), have all of my crappy trump label suits, ties, sans-a-belt slacks, jock straps, support hose, and mens’ anklet golf socks made in china and cambodia while convincing my zombie followers that I will bring jobs back to america, then trust me, I can be elected president. I promise you.