my jaundiced eye

the absurdities of life

Category: terrorists

burkinis

birkinis

Summer is thankfully over but the lingering question for MJE is: What the hell is with those cheese eating surrender monkeys in france and their burkini ban??? MJE hasn’t been to a beach in years but from past recollections of the surf and sand set I would personally REQUIRE all bathers, male and female, to wear burkinis! Holy cow, the sheer mass of unattractive flesh gathered on any given piece of beach is enough to make me want to gouge my eyes out.

But back to burkinis…do the frenchie gendarmes de plage seriously think that these heavily swathed women are all hiding bombs underneath those yards of rayon? First of all, have they never witnessed the cling phenomenon when your clothes get wet…see: wet tee-shirt contests, or en francais, les concours des tee-shirts mouilles? Mon dieu! It’s like fricking shrink wrap! Short of the exposure of actual flesh there ain’t nothing that doesn’t show, including presumably any bulky suicide vests you might be wearing.

So if women choose not to expose their cellulite and muffin tops, who cares? Surely, between the secular population’s penchant for way too itsy-bitsy bikinis which cover rien and icky squeaky speedos showing off trop de teeny weenies, there’s more than enough flesh to be seen all over the french coastlines.

MJE says it’s time to let the burkettes enjoy their muhammad-given right to cover up and for the french to shut up.

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isis inc

isis inc

 

MJE has just learned that an Isis budget for the month of October from one of the provinces it controls was smuggled out and released to the press. Turns out, even isis has bean counters. It reads like a spread sheet from IBM for god’s sake. Who knew they used Quickbooks Pro Desktop 2015, Excel and US dollars as their currency of choice. I guess they hate everything about us except our technology and our money. Whatever.

Only about a third of their revenue comes from oil smuggled out of the country. The other revenues are generated by kidnapping ransoms, seizures of property, theft, blackmail and assorted other petty crimes. They’re like the crips, but with allah as their co-pilot. And can’t you just hear the monthly budget meeting, when the poor al’abalah responsible for kidnapping revenues misses his monthly goal. “Abdullah, what the quran??? You’re down 14% from last month! What are you guys doing out there, chewing qat and pitching tent poles under your thobes? You have got to get out there and hustle man, people aren’t going to kidnap themselves! And Haytham, I see you back there trying to slink out of the tent. Can you please tell me how you managed to let that filthy rich Masruq off for a lousy $10,000 in blackmail dough. I told you nothing less than $25,000 for that gasbag with his off shore accounts in Barbados and Bermuda. You are pathetic. Let it happen again and you are going to be one hand short, my little fariq.”

“Okay Qasim, what is this $125,000 expense for Kalashnikovs? That is insanely over budget!” “But boss, remember we ordered those cheap reconditioned ones on alibaba last month and they were worthless. You get what you pay for. And I really don’t think we want to project the image of terrorists who are waging jihad on the cheap, do you?”

“Well, you have a point. We’re not like those feckless American imperialist stooges who just print more money, generate ever-larger deficits and end up kicking the yumkin alqsdyr down the road for their children to deal with. I am proud to say that we actually work within a balanced budget and take fiscal responsibility just as seriously as we do killing apostates. So back to work, and remember to make every dinar count.”

the henpecked terrorist

the henpecked terrorist.jpg

Achmed, get your sorry muslim ass out here! WTF??? Is this the sum total of pipe bombs you’ve made this week???? Seriously, what are you doing out here, playing fantasy fatwa? You tubing your Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi imitation? Binge turban shopping on Alibaba? Again. Are you a terrorist or a terrier because I really can’t tell the difference.

And you call this a pipe bomb? Give me a break. Didn’t I tell you to follow the instructions in Inspire Magazine to the letter? Well? I’m waiting…. The answer is no you did not. As usual you couldn’t stay on task and you cut corners you lazy ass American. I do not care if your imam says you are ADHD, you have a job to do and you had better get your head in the game. I did not fly all the way from Islamabad for 20 hours in the middle seat of the last row on that lousy Air Arabia, which by the way has a worse safety record than Malaysia Air, to come to allah forsaken San Bernadino to babysit a wanna be.

I had my pick of the litter! Muslim Mingling is chock full of pathetic socially awkward guys who can’t get a girl and are ripe for recruiting to the cause. And I chose you Achmed. Abdul told me you’d be trouble, but I stood up for you, I said, no he has real potential. And this is what I get? I could have assembled this heap of crap in my burqa with my eyes shut.

Now get back to work, Mecca’s Real Housewives is on and I am dying to find out if Fairuzah and Mahjabeen get into another cat fight.

terror r us

terror r us

Okay so MJE is now officially totally and royally pissed off at the goddam terrorists. What is it with these people, why can’t they sit in their basements watching pornography and masturbating like normal guys. Really. Think about the time and effort it takes to schlep out to a gun show in some godforsaken deserted strip mall to buy a couple of assault rifles, then schlep to Walmart to buy 50 round clips of hollow point bullets, then schlep to toys R us to get a remote control toy car for your IED and then on to the plumbing supply joint for the pipes for your bomb. That’s a whole fricking day of running around! Of course with the exception of the guns, you can probably order it all online and if you’re an Amazon Prime member have it on your doorstep in 48 hours, free shipping included.

Then there’s the whole execution thing. You gotta spend hours figuring out how to put pipe bombs together without blowing yourself up (imagine the stress!), then slap on hotter than hell (and frankly unflattering) bullet proof vests and balaclava helmets, load all those heavy-as-lead guns, bombs, detonators and ammo into the back of the minivan. And boy you better be able to pack like a pro to get all that stuff in there!

Then you gotta go kill a lot of innocent people that you probably don’t even know. And the kicker is you have to pretty much accept that it’s also going to be your last day on earth and be prepared to kiss your ass goodbye. Which is a really good thing or a really bad thing, depending on your perspective. Well MJE says good luck with getting your hands on those forty virgins buddy.

In the old days MJE’s fear was running into someone who was self-actualized and being bored to death at a cocktail party not someone who is self-radicalized and being blown to smithereens while enjoying a boozy lunch. Although, truth be told, if my last breath has the whiff of gin on it I’m okay with that.

Last week everyone had the holy jitters about going to Paris. But terror is a lot closer than that.

BYOT

BYOT.jpgStephen Colbert had a rant the other night about the GOPers going nucking futs in their insane attempts to out Islamophobe one another. Their first volley was that we don’t have enough vetting to prevent Syrian terrorists from getting into the country despite the two year long vetting program that’s already in place. Therefore we absolutely do not want to grant asylum to any Syrians, who are themselves being terrorized, no way no how. Not even small children who are orphans, because they are almost certainly also terrorists.

Well Stephen, in this case I have to regrettably admit that MJE is onboard with the GOPer’s “children can be terrorists too” argument. It just so happens that we have a home grown three year old terrorist in our very family. None other than “she who must be obeyed”, Decibelle. You think negotiating with ISIS is impossible, fuggetaboutit. I would personally bet Donald Trump’s hair product allotment on our pint sized stick of dynamite being able to bring ISIS to its knees, beg for mercy and become Episcopalians. And fast. God bless John Kerry, but you gotta fight fire with fire and Decibelle is a fricking inferno.

Case in point, son Knot comes home from work and walks into the den to kiss his little yum yum and to lovingly inquire as to how her day went. Decibelle is, come d’habitude, completely absorbed in some piece of Disney tripe that she has seen a thousand times. Instead of jumping up and running to her dear father and giving him a hug and a kiss she, without turning her head or saying a word, simply points her finger toward the door in dismissal. If that doesn’t send a strong enough message she utters one word. Out.

To this MJE says. Oh no you don’t! Clamp down on the kid! To which Knot says they do but she just clamps down harder. And she has the endurance of a drugged up Lance Armstrong. In the end Knot says he usually just throws in the towel and ends up apologizing to her. MJE ain’t clairvoyant but this is not going to be pretty. Wait until she’s twelve. Knot and his wife will probably cash in all their airline miles, decamp for the middle east, join ISIS and feel like they’re at Club Med.

si triste

si triste

MJE had a post ready to publish earlier this week on her utter confusion regarding the seemingly countless number of factions fighting and killing each other in the middle east. It was supposed to be a caricature of the whole state of affairs, but given what happened in Paris this week end it doesn’t seem so funny now.

However, the final takeaway from the piece still stands:

‘It all boils down to “my god’s better than your god. “And that’s a pissing match that’s been going on since man dreamed him up in the first place.’