my jaundiced eye

the absurdities of life

Category: trump

the fawning of america

the fawning of america-1

MJE continues to be flabbergasted at what lengths the conald will go to quench his insatiable desire for adulation. The latest incident involved a cabinet meeting that was presumably meant to be an important discussion of pressing matters of state but was perverted by the conald into a cringe-worthy display of political masturbation.

Generally speaking cabinet meetings are pretty weighty occasions and not thrown open to the press, but as we all know the conald never misses an opportunity to exaggerate his accomplishments or seek affirmation. With that in mind, the meeting opened with the conald blathering at length that he has accomplished more than any other president in us history (he threw a bone to fdr and his handling of the depression, etc) so early in his presidency, despite any actual legislative action. He extoled his many take charge executive orders like rolling back job and people killing regulations. The reduction of government’s obligation to preserve clean air and water is a twofer, it reduces government expense and if people die, hey they are no longer jobless! The art of the deal indeed.

The cabinet members were reduced to fawning toadies. For all intents and purposes it could have been a collection of north korean lackeys addressing their dear leader. One by one they tried to outdo each other in a bizarre limbo land of how low can you go.

VP pap declared that even jesus’s miracles pale in comparison to what the conald has done. Water into wine, meh, what good does that do for teetotalers like el presidente, way more impressive is keeping religious competitors out of our country. Rinse Prebot, chief of staff declared that he had changed his sixteen year old son’s name from madison to donald and is working on a combover in tribute to his incredible boss. Wrecks Dullerson, our reclusive secretary of state, announced that he was divorcing his boring wife of 38 years and was actively wooing young eastern european beauties via tinder. He was happy to report that he has several great prospects lined up and effusively thanked the conald for being such a fantastic role model. Round and round went the revolting group grab ass, each expression of adoration eliciting a nod and smile from our own dear leader.

So this is what america’s top dogs have been reduced to, a bunch of bootlicking flunkeys who have abandoned all self-respect and permanently tainted their reputations in obeisance to a person who deserves absolutely none of it. Yo, what about their obligations to the american citizens whom they are duty bound to serve?

Get off your damned knees, stand up and speak truth to power, you cowards.

let the word games begin

let the games begin-1

So let mje get this straight, the conald is going to get into a pissing contest about who’s more trustworthy, him or saint james comely, recently fired head of the fbi. Hmmmmm….that’s a tough call for sure. On the one hand you have a 6’8” boy scout who has decades of public service experience and an irritating habit of doing what he believes is best for the country and on the other a glorified used car salesman from queens who never says anything that isn’t either self-aggrandizing or deflects attention from his shaky relationship with reality and or the russians.

As anyone with a tv, radio, computer or a brain now knows, director comely testified before the senate intelligence committee last week and recited chapter and verse his every interaction with the conald. After his first meeting with el president elect, director comely, who presumably has seen his fair share of liars and swindlers, immediately recognized that he’d just met with a con man of truly historic proportions. A grifter so skillful that he made enough americans believe that he was going to give them everything they ever wanted no matter how contradictory or impossible and got himself elected president. Jobs for the jobless, cheap (really) great health insurance for the sick, tax breaks for the rich, a balanced budget for the nitpickers, a reduction in the deficit for the frugal, a withdrawal from the paris accord for the climate change deniers, a travel ban on muslims for the racists, a wall for the people who blame undocumented immigrants for their lot in life, nixing nato for the isolationists, increasing defense spending for the pugnacious, slashing federal research grants for the evangelical faith healers, cutting off funding for planned parenthood for the fetus firsters, and a shot at a time share in a trump property for the morbidly moronic.

Comely documented his meetings in excruciating detail in order to ensure, in his words, that the actual truth of their interactions were on the record. When queried as to why he did that his response was something like, because of the setting (trump tower), the topic (loyalty pledge and or something vis a vis russia) and the person with whom he was interacting who would be the chiseler in chief. And just to be crystal clear, because he believed that the conald would lie. Yep used the l word folks. All laid out in the placid unemotional just the facts ma’am demeanor of a consummate g-man.

Well glory be and lordy, someone finally has the balls to declare the obvious: this pompous, embarrassing, bombastic ignoramous of an emperor we are now stuck with ain’t got no clothes on his fat ass. Not a stitch.

During comely’s testimony the conald huddled with his cabal then shoved his personal (the white house counsel and his staff all staged an extended sickout after the first few minutes of the comely testimony) super expensive, super sketchy, ill informed new york defense attorney out before the cameras to refute each and every allegation, in form and substance. Yo! connie, lawyering up is, in the irritating newspeak of today, “bad optics.”

Furthermore, and even better, the conald has now declared that he will gladly testify under oath that every word comely said is untrue, never said it, never happened, no way no how.

Let the word games begin.

howdy saudi

 

howdy saudi

Whew, the trump circus has skipped town, and not a moment too soon. Literally the entire white house staff is going along on this trip, it makes one wonder who’s left in dc to run the ship of state, oh right, pap’s here. Every one of the white house toadies are clinging to our ape in chief like those iron filings that clump around a metal stylus to form a beard on a cartoon man’s face. They are terrified that the moment they are not right next to el presidente one of their colleagues is going to finger them for leaking or lying or even worse telling the truth to some news outlet.

Most experienced politicians who are elected president plan a soft-ball trip as their first foreign state visit, to get to know the territory, protocols, logistics, brush up on the culture, etc.  however, in true trump fashion it’s balls to the wall and screw all that crap. He’s hitting saudi arabia, israel, italy and the vatican (a two fer) and belguim which he once described as a “beautiful city.” If he weren’t coming bearing billions in military contracts, aid or other us largesse I suspect that his reception might be less than cordial considering he has offended most of the people in most of the countries he’s visiting.

On touch down in riyadh the conald was greeted by king salmon himself resplendent in dazzling white (800m thread count egyptian cotton) robes and a head dress held in place by a classic basic black bungee. Trump’s attire for his first foreign state visit did not vary from his go-to navy men’s warehouse suit because why mess with success? Melanoma opted for an all black wide legged onesy, sort of like an abaya but with a bit more panache and a clue to the fact that women do have two legs, and something super special in between too! I suppose black was a respectful nod to the local saudi custom of wrapping their women in dark polyester, but the squint eyed fashionista of fifth avenue couldn’t resist a bit of bling, accessorizing with a foot wide gold lame belt. As much as the conald loves all things gilt, I doubt even he can match the saudis, and frankly it’s really not good manners to try to beat your hosts at their own game. King salmon awarded the conald the gilded collar of abdulaziz al saud, saudi arabia’s highest civilian honor, which dazzled him bigly, probably unaware that there might be a connection between it and the $100B military sales package he inked a few hours later. I did see a video of him and the (male) members of his cabinet awkwardly swaying to a traditional ardha saudi sword dance. Wincing in embarrassment, and perhaps pain at having to keep lifting a pretty heavy sword, he looked like a clumsy adolescent at his first co-ed, but since the intent of the dance is to “re-pledge allegiance to the king” he really should have been partying like it’s 1999.

In his speech to the assembled gingham shrouded heads of state he sounded almost rational, albeit heavily medicated, making just the right noises about how terrorism is a perversion of islam and we all just need to be friends to combat these bad eggs, yada, yada, yada. It was what a cd of trump the campaigner would sound like if it were played backwards. Mind you he does have that muslim ban on hold out in the 9th circuit…wouldn’t it have been a hoot if just as he was speaking, al jazeera interrupted with breaking news that the ban had been re-instituted. AWKWARD.

Stay tuned.

seven days in may…

what a week

MJE has been recently compelled to work triple time, which I resent, to find anything humorous about what the hell is happening in our country at the moment. It wasn’t bad enough that the lily livered, mean spirited repubes folded like cheap suitcases to take health care coverage away from millions of americans. Admittedly under tony soprano worthy muscle from the congressional brute squad led ironically by nerdroid ryan and our scary clown president, who knows about as much about the legislative process as he does about setting the thermostat at mar a lago.

In typical trumpian fashion, our dear leader demanded that this poorly drafted wealthcare bill be jammed through the house minus a CBO score or even having been read by the people who voted for it. Furthermore, this craven bunch was subsequently feted at a celebratory kegger in the rose garden hosted by el presidente, apparently unaware that it takes two to tango when it comes to actually passing legislation. It is perversely comforting that the sniveling scrooges in the house who voted for this bill now cannot even go back to their districts for fear of being jeered off their town hall stages by their constituents.

But it gets so much better, or worse. These guys (literally, almost entirely, white men) walked the proverbial political plank to give a “win” to a president who, before the beer pong table was even cleared, fired the head of the fbi without cause, an act which is virtually unprecedented in american history. He then reverse-engineered the dismissal to justify his action with some sort of fig leaf memorandum drawn up by a.g. assassions (who had pledged to recuse himself from anything regarding russia and trump) and the formerly well respected deputy a.g. ohnosenstein. Trump’s true rationale, in his own words a few days later, was that comey was already a gone pecan because wouldn’t quash the “fake news” probe into russian involvement with his campaign. Inevitably and almost immediately, his inconsistencies and prevarications were promptly outed, resulting in, what else, a series of looney trump tweets, which will henceforth be referred to as twurps, making veiled threats aimed at anyone who might be tempted to leak information contrary to his fictional assertions. Dicey spicey was thanking his lucky stars that he was away from the podium during this debacle fulfilling his national guard obligation. Unsubstantiated, but entirely credible reports are that as soon as he his commitment was concluded he made a beeline to the army recruiting station to re-up for four years on the front line in our new offensive in afganistan. In his absence honey boo boo huckabee was trotted out to spread trump’s gospel of the alternative fact. Lordy girl yur pappy is a preacher, you had better log some hard time in the pew this sunday.

MJE is not a trained fire fighter, except with regard to domestic flare-ups, but even I know that it isn’t wise to throw gasoline on a smoldering fire that you wish to extinguish. Trump however, who in his own mind is a master salesman who can control any narrative, made a boner move in believing that sacking the director of the fbi would somehow divert attention from the mushrooming evidence of russian collusion. But like a lemming racing for the cliff, he just could not put on the brakes, in fact he stomped on the accelerator with his contention in comey’s letter of dismissal, the nonsensical assertion that comey had assured him, on three separate occasions, that he is not under investigation. MJE strongly advises that you give your gawping shovel mouth a rest and quit digging.

Conald, conald conald…this isn’t the sleazy new jersey real estate market you used to game. You have landed yourself unwittingly, in the oval office as the leader of the free world, god help us all. It is arguably the single most powerful position on the planet, but one whose authority, as designed by the framers of the constitution is constrained by two other co-equal branches of government. Too bad they didn’t write that document in a series of tweets, in which case you might be aware of that.

MJE is setting the impeachment clock. Tick tock, tick tock.

 

 

give me religious liberty or give me death by a thousand duck bites

religious liberty or death

It’s a damned good thing that MJE took her cholesterol meds this am because reading the crawling chyron of trump’s speech in the rose garden prior to signing the “religious liberty” executive order just about blew a hole in my aorta. When trump utters “religious liberty” surely MJE’s readers, who are a pretty sharp bunch, understand that he is speaking exclusively of christians’ liberty, particularly those of an evangelical stripe, to legally discriminate against “the others.” Trump is demonstrably a man devoid of either religious or moral convictions, a person whose behavior in his personal life and business dealings is anathema to the tenets of virtually every faith. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you (don’t stiff people who provided honest work for you) thou shalt not steal (hard earned money from innocent people for a worthless real estate certificate), thou shall not commit adultery (marla, marla, marla…) thou shalt honor the sabbath (does 18 holes of golf count?) thou shalt not make or worship idols (tax exempt ten foot high portrait of himself in tennis togs or gilded “trump” spelled out in 50 foot high letters slapped on as much as possible) thou shalt not bear false witness (obama born in africa, popular vote, inauguration numbers, wire tapping etc etc etc). That is some shameful track record for sure and as far as MJE is concerned, clearly demonstrates that donald trump is pretty much the last person on earth you could possibly dig up to deliver a sermon on the sanctity of religion.

Obviously prince albino pence, pap smear, hobby lobbied for and probably penned this load of pandering claptrap. He might have been able to pull off delivering this divisive, mean spirited announcement without irony because of his incredible sense of self-righteous piety, but coming from trump it is about as believable as hitler sitting shabbat with the frank family.

Trump intoned that we are a nation of “believers (unless that is you are a believer in islam.) He went on to add that people of faith (again only e-vangels) may no longer be “silenced” “targeted” or “bullied” by the government. And people should be free to speak from the pulpit (unless it’s in a mosque.) “Free speech does not stop at the steps of the house of worship” presumably referring to those located in pearly gated communities of like-minded christian believers. He droned on unenthusiastically from the teleprompter surrounded by the feverish faithful, declaring that he is taking “historic steps” to protect religious liberty (like banning muslims from coming into the country.) But the nirvana-worthy cherry perched on the top of this steaming pile of hypocritical excrement was his solemn pronouncement that “tolerance is the cornerstone of freedom.”

In the immortal words of janis joplin “freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”

the first 100 days

first 100 days

MJE has been looking back at these past 100 days of the trump administration’s frightening bumbling ineptitude and marveling at how the country has held up under the pressure. Those snooty brits with their snide stiff upper lips have nothing on us.

Right out of the gate trump declared a ban on muslims or anyone who might look like one, entering the country, alienating a pretty huge chunk of the earth’s population, by which I mean humans. Fortunately that little bit o’ racism was shot down fairly quickly. Trump’s team, undeterred, took another bite at that poison apple and again got squashed. 0 for 2

So moving on to repealing obamacare, which for god’s sake should have been a slam-dunk. The congressional republicans have voted to do just that every day they’ve been in session for the past eight years (about 83 working days in toto by my count.) They now have control of both houses of congress and the white house (if you think that this white house can in fact be controlled) yet it turns out that lots of people who never had health insurance before obamacare (presumably many of whom voted for trump and the republican congressional candidates) have it now and they don’t want to give it up…gee, who knew? 0 for 3

But, let’s not forget all those executive orders flying out of the oval office. Gutting regulations, waiving ethics rules, eliminating funding for scientific research, etc. But what about the big stuff? Jobs! Infrastructure! Tax reform!

MJE proposes the following bold actions to quickly accomplish a number of trump’s fantastic goals and huge campaign promises:

Eliminating funding for the restoration of the great lakes and chesapeake bay is all well and good, but what about jobs? Why not kill two (endangered) birds with one stone. Put forth the largest most phenomenal job creation project in the history of the country: fill the damned things in. Talk about shovel ready infrastructure! Imagine millions of americans dumping tons upon tons of tar sands into those huge aquatic money pits. Once complete, it would be ideal terrain for low-income housing developments, again, more jobs!

What about the beautiful wall? Turns out it’s a bit more expensive than anticipated and the government can’t use corporate tax loopholes or stiff sub-contractors to bring the cost down. So how’s this for a plan, all those lead pipes in flint michigan have to come out, right? They gotta go somewhere…how about piled up along the mexican border, and bonus points!!! all those illegals scrambling over them will probably get lead poisoning. But then, bummer, we’d be stuck with a whole lot of undocumented immigrants too sick to hang dry wall.

Tax reform is simply too boring for MJE to think about. I’ll leave that to jarred, he’s got a 2pm on thursday open.

fast and furious

fast-and-furious

MJE is unable to keep up! I knew the conald said he’d work fast but who knew that within the first six weeks of his becoming president he’d go from having to fire his head nsa guy, to having his attorney general recuse himself from an investigation because he lied under oath during his confirmation hearing all the way to accusing obama of tapping his phone. The post MJE worked so hard on and was just about put up is now effectively obsolete. Thanks loads conald. And the whip lash is killing me.

I always thought he was off his nut, living in his own alternate reality but he is now in certifiable crazy land. Courtesy of course of his irritable bowel three am twitter feed. I read somewhere that his most irrational tweets tend to come on saturdays when ivanka and jared are observing the sabbath and unable to hit the delete button. Please kids, forget about the fricking sabbath and save the goddam country. Or at least ask yaweh to keep an eye on dear old dad while you are not doing whatever you’re not supposed to do on the sabbath. The united states of america just can’t take another one of pop’s unsupervised unhinged saturdays.

A spokesperson for former president obama delivered a beauty of a barbed denial, stating that “A cardinal rule of the obama administration was that no white house official ever interfered with any independent investigation led by the department of justice.” Snap! In one short sentence it denied the unfounded allegation and simultaneously indicated that if the doj had been investigating trump they had nothing to do with it. Yoo, hoo…doj, could you comment on your investigation of conald’s ties to russia? Oh, can’t say anything about any ongoing investigation or if there even is one? So you don’t deny that there might be an investigation into the conald’s ties to russia? Yikes, seems like the conald might have shot himself in the gucci with that tweet storm. SAD.

I can only guess that the intent of the wire tapping tweet was to deflect attention from the ever increasing number of campaign staff and advisors who have forgotten that they’d actually spoken with, met with or grabbed a pirozhki  with some russian official or other….I think the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders refers to this phenomenon as mass hysterical self-preservation amnesia. With regard to the conald’s mental state MJE understands that the soon to be published revised edition of the dsm required a separate appendix for that.

all in the family

all-in-the-family

Okay so MJE was going to give p.e.t. a pass this week on his cabinet choices, but how can I pass up ben carson’s touting his having once lived in public housing as a child as qualifying him to head up the department of housing and urban development. Well with that low bar of skill sets as a template MJE puts forth for consideration the following candidates to round out the conald’s cabinet.

Let’s start with secretary of state. The conald is looking for someone who will minimize diplomacy and establish more “transactional” ties to other countries. On its face that seems to indicate that he would approach every alliance with an eye to cost vs benefit and winners vs losers. Even if that means that we disengage from nato because, in his mind, there are members whom he feels do not pay their fair share. The fact that this policy might well lead to the proliferation of nuclear capabilities by  countries to protect themselves from aggressive neighbors doesn’t not seem to be of concern. In fact, the conald says have at it and may the best arsenal win. Respectful cooperation is for losers.

So with that in mind MJE puts forth decibelle for the position. Her weaponry consists of just one extremely powerful weapon: her vocal chords. With one diamond-shattering howl she can bring an entire household (or grocery store, school room or if necessary, an american adversary) to its knees without a drop of blood being shed or a dollar spent. Talk about cost effective! She, like p.e.t. never concedes defeat and does not stop until she bends others to her will. Putin, abbas, kim jung il…run for cover and a pair of earplugs. You are doomed.

Now, let’s take a look at commerce. I hesitate to be so bold as to put my name forward, but frankly I am totally qualified. MJE spends an inordinate amount of time engaged in it, amazon, ebay, etsy…I know them all better than anyone else. I endure their unrelenting onslaught of advertising algorithms and emails without submission and in fairness, do buy locally whenever possible. That is when the price is lower, availability is better and ease of purchase is superior, which unfortunately means not much.

Secretary of the interior is a slam dunk: daughter albatross, If anyone cares more about the interior, that is her own, then no one does. She is dedicated to that cause to the exclusion of everything else.

Secretary of defense, see above re: decibelle.

National security advisor: ditto.

Secretary of transportation, alhambra our lsd (long suffering daughter in law) would be an excellent choice. She spends hours every day on our country’s crumbling roads and bridges toting her offspring hither and thither. A battle tested road warrior, she will insure that the infrastructure improvements required to make her carpools easier and drive times shorter will be given top priority.

Head of the faa: Son knot seems a good pick, he travels for business a lot and not on some tricked out private jet. He feels the pain of american flyers, the ridiculous hub and spoke system, the inflated flight times to cover delays and enable airlines to crow about their on-time records, the seemingly endless array of surcharges, the cramped seating and surly service, not to mention the disgusting flying public who dress as though they are either headed to bed or just woke up and haven’t had a chance to shower. The last bit is probably out of the purview of the federal government but MJE thought she’d throw that in because something really needs to be done about it.

Small business administration obviously goes to the OB&C. He has managed to assiduously keep our business small through outmoded product lines, inflated salaries, inadequate employee oversight, understaffing and inertia. A perfect fit for running a governmental agency.

Frankly, MJE is pretty sure I could fill the entire cabinet with members of my family and the country wouldn’t be any worse off than with the current picks. Admittedly none of us has any governmental experience or know how but that does not seem to be a prerequisite for appointment anyway.

Just like the family trump.

the conald’s cabinet of escoriosities

the-conalds-cabinet

MJE is watching in horror and despair at the conald’s cabinet choices. Big time climate change denier at EPA, minimum wage opponent at labor, and generals in every other post so far including one who traffics in fake news…does anyone smell a coup of some sort brewing, oh, right that already happened. On the bright side, and as my loyal readers know full well, MJE is nothing if not the eternal optimist, it is really, really fun to see the conald summon his former rivals and detractors to the top of his dung heap on fifth avenue, tease them with the notion that they night get a place at the table, then gleefully throw them to the wolves. But not before they they have abandoned their purported strong principles, very publicly ruined their reputations and proved themselves to be nothing more than craven, pathetic, sniveling, opportunistic politicians. How much fun do you think the conald is having watching this spectacle? For him there is nothing better than the sweet smell of revenge, except perhaps Trump Cologne for Men.

But it probably doesn’t matter whom he chooses, because as one talking head said, every one of them will simply be undersecretary to ivanka&jared inc. Good god almighty, how did the greatest nation on the planet (as we like to call ourselves) end up with a troika of a trash talking, know nothing buffoon, his spookily placid daughter (who btw talks like she is still wearing a retainer and has maxed out on xanax) and her behind the scenes puppet master husband running the show? As they say in limbo land: “How low can you go?” Well, the answer my friends, is self-evident: pretty damned low.

And I haven’t even gotten to the conflict of interest part…the conald the president is now also the conald the landlord of his d.c. hotel, as well as the boss of the boss of the irs which is currently purportedly auditing his income taxes. Also our head of state with the ability and willingness to put the profitability of his companies before the best interests of the country. He allows his daughter to sit in on a diplomatic visit from the pm of japan whilst her company is in negotiation with a major japanese distributor of her trashy wares which happens to be largely owned by the japanese government. And now it has been reported that the conald will remain as executive producer on the apprentice reality show therefore sharing in the profits. Honestly, even stanley kubrick couldn’t make up a comedy this dark.

But as the aphorism goes, you get the government you deserve. When the coal mines don’t reopen, the steel mills don’t fire back up, the mexicans are still here, the muslims aren’t banned, the country isn’t majority white, companies and jobs still leave the country for cheaper places to operate and america is not in fact any greater than it is right now, don’t look at me.

And if things maybe actually get worse for the very people who put their foolish hopes and dreams in the hands of a man who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about any of them then I could go on twitter and say I told you so, if it weren’t so truly trumpian.

SAD

president-elect trump

president-trump-1

So working my way through the stages of grief after the election of the conald as president. I don’t even know what the stages are but I am pretty sure that I am not very far along. Trying to read the tea leaves in the conald’s selection of members of his transition team which is a crazy quilt of insiders, outsiders and know-nothings. MJE was heartened that the omnipresent campaign sycophant and speech background obscurer c biggie c was summarily dumped from the team’s top teir. May have something to do with the fact that he indicted, convicted and sentenced the conald’s son-in-law’s father to a rather long stretch in the pen for some sort of criminal malfeasance. I suppose it made him feel like a big-shot at the time but turns out it was a big shot in the foot. Ouch.

So the good mr pence has stepped in to oversee the ragtag lot. Better watch his step, don’t want to step on any of those trumpets toes…I’m no historian but I would venture to guess that this is the first presidential transition team that has the children of the candidate as primary advisors, because there are no competent professional governmental experts to rely on? MJE can only speculate that perhaps their primary job is to keep daddy from appointing anyone to key white house positions that might be beyond the pale.

Mission impossible. Blood may be thicker than water but not thick enough in politics. Crazier heads have prevailed and steve bannon, ceo of breitbart news a leading purveyor of alt-right news who helped the conald “hone his message” of anti-immigrant, anti-muslim, misogyny etc. has been picked to become “chief strategist.” For a man so obsessed with image, it seems odd that the conald would choose someone who looks like he was just dragged out of a skid row gutter.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but the conald’s vagaries in staff appointments, in addition to his total ignorance of the basics of governance is truly frightening. His support for far right wing ideology has latinos, gays, muslims and those who condemn hate speech protesting and fearing for their future and the future of their country.

On the other hand, the government has managed to do almost nothing for the last four years so let’s just hope that trend continues.   #stasisrocks!