my jaundiced eye

the absurdities of life

Category: putin

the trump interview

the interview

I saw that prince harry has just interviewed president obama and it occurred to MJE that an interview with the conald might make for an interesting contrast…

ph: Good morning mr president thank you for agreeing to this interview.

dt: No problem. Now that I have single handedly passed the biggest most phenomenal tax cut in history for our downtrodden hedge fund managers and real estate magnates, my calendar is freed up a bit. But, I am still incredibly busy monitoring fox and fake news and tweeting out word salad blasts about my totally unfair coverage. If I get punched I punch back twice as hard, just ask the mooch.

ph: So mr president, has becoming president been a difficult adjustment?

dt: Absolutely, it’s 100% harder than I thought it would be.

ph: Really, in what regard?

dt: Well harry, like you, I made my money the old fashioned way, I inherited it, handed to me on a plate like a beautiful really well done omaha steak. I called the shots in my companies, no stockholders to worry about and the bankruptcy courts in the us are a gift from god. Invest other people’s money, if things go south, not my problem. Investors lose, contractors lose but I come out smelling like a rose. The other thing is that you and I both live in palatial homes with lots of gold and own an amazing amount of real estate. Best of all, we don’t pay any taxes! Only losers pay taxes.

But now I’ve got the democrats, the generals, mccain, scarborough, flake, the blacks, the mexicans, the women, the gays, the transgenders, whatever they are, the aclu, the freedom caucus, the liberals, the conservatives and the un-american public all bitching about how I can’t do this or can’t do that, chewing on my ass bigly. Plus I have to live in government subsidized housing. Wish it was like you guys, you just issue a royal decree or something and boom! Done.

ph: Well mr president that’s not exactly true, royals don’t make laws, parliament is the actual governing body.

dt: What? Are you sure?

ph: Yes, mr president I’m sure, the royal family is really just a figure head.

dt: Well that sucks. Seems like you and I are more alike than you think.

ph: I certainly doubt it, but tell me how do you think we’re similar?

dt: Well, you and I are both scrappy second sons overshadowed by the first born. Also we both like to marry dark foreign women, although your gal is a lot darker than mine, you know what I mean? By the way, congratulations on your engagement, that meghan is one great looking piece of ass! I bet she’s a tiger in the sack, am I right? Sure hope it works out better than your parents’ marriage, boy was that a mess! I could never understand why your dad decided to get rid of your red hot mama for that cow camilla. I’d have grabbed your mother’s poodle in a heartbeat. She was definitely smoking hot, and not shy about spreading it around either.

ph: Perhaps we could move on mr president.

We’ll move on when I say so, so just cool your jets little prince. There’s one more thing. You and I were both pretty bad boys in the good ole days. Man, those pics of you in the nazi get-up looked sorta bad, but I don’t get why everyone jumped all over you. After all, it’s no big secret that you’ve had plenty of nazi sympathizers in your family, right? Your grandfather’s a kraut and your granny’s uncle ed, gave up the throne to marry a nazi whore with a face like a horse and absolutely no tits or ass. So people just need to get over it. Plus hitler, despite a few missteps, sure made the trains (especially to buchanwald, dachau and treblinka) run on time and infrastructure is a bitch, trust me.

ph: Well, that is a frightening thought. But moving on, what comments do you have about the numerous alleged connections to the russians?

dt: Look harry, that is all a bunch of fake news. Never happened. Don’t believe a word of it. It is true that I have a soft spot for eastern european beauties and autocratic rulers, but that doesn’t mean I have a man crush on putin, although he does have a hellova handshake and looks damn good half naked on a horse. Plus he’s got the scary dead eyes of a shark. But he’s way too short for me. In the situation room his code name is teeny penie.

ph: So neither you, your family nor your businesses have any financial relationships with russia?

ph: Harry, why in the world would I or my family or businesses have any direct financial dealings with russia or any other dirty money sources when I have stooges like manafort and flynn around to take the fall? I’m not a moron, despite what that worthless asshole tillerson said.

ph: It does looks as though those two associates of yours folded pretty quickly when the fbi came calling, does it worry you that they might incriminate you?

dt: Absolutely not harry, as I said during my campaign I could shoot someone in the middle of fifth avenue and not lose a vote

ph: But you could get indicted or impeached, right?

dt: I believe in a prevent defense kid, I’ve already got pardon papers signed and ready to go for myself, jared, junior, pence, sessions, huckaby sanders, preibus, spicer, what’s his name, the coffee boy, hope hicks, kelly anne, sebastian gorka, lewandowsky, and of course flynn and manafort, even though honestly, I wouldn’t recognize those two in a line up. And knowing what I know, I have a few other signed blanks in my hip pocket just in case meulie starts to hit real paydirt.

ph: Well mr president this has been a very enlightening conversation, perhaps we’ll talk again when mr meuller’s investigation finishes up. If you are still president.

dt: What the hell do you mean by that you little ginger prick? Ever wonder where that head of orange brillo of yours came from? Bet you’re a bastard. You sure look like it. And trust me I know a goddam bastard when I see one.

Now get out of here you royal pain in the ass and grab me a diet coke while you’re up.



say what?

off with their heads-1

Lordy, MJE is glum. I was feeling sort of okay this morning having worked in the garden yesterday and gotten in touch with nature, or rather they got in touch with me via the chigger community outreach program. Then I foolishly turned on the idiot box and heard the transcript of our dear leader’s interview with two NYT reporters. His answers to the questions were so strange and disturbing that I googled the 25th amendment to figure out what it would take to extract him from the oval office.

In the interview, when quizzed on the matter of jeff sessions, our button eyed attorney general, the conald actually said out loud that if he had known that sessions was going to recuse himself (in other words, follow the rule of law) from all russia/trump campaign related investigations on account of his not mentioning that he’d met with some of them russians, but dadgummitt clean forgot about it when questioned during his confirmation hearing, the conald woulda for damn sure picked some other more compliant doofus. Wow, that was really long run on sentence but I couldn’t figure out where to cut it up. Now I am no fan of sessions, the good ole racist from the great state of alabama, but when I heard that trash talk from the conald he went up about ten points in my estimation. He’s still in the low teens but…

Then our dear leader went on to denigrate virtually every top official in the justice department; rosenstein, the acting attorney general, then mccabe, the guy who took fired comey’s place and of course mueller, the head of the special investigation into russia’s “meddling” in our election. He publicly put them all on notice that they are on the chopping block should they start investigating the conald’s real ties to russia.. I guess the up side to this is that the conald is so unable to control his id that we all know what he’s up to. Conceivably it would be worse if he were savvy enough to contain those thoughts, yet act on them without public knowledge, a la nixon. It’s a sad day for america when you regard your president’s broadcasting his corruption as a good thing.

I just re-read the transcript of the whole interview and it is like james joyce on acid, an incoherent rambling rant about how fabulous he is and how every world leader loves him and president macron just wanted to hold his hand the whole time, and how terrific the military parade in paris was what with all the jets and we ought to get an arc de triomphe, then he threw in some curious nonsense about napoleon having designed paris (and later, probably trump tower) then invaded russia but farted around and froze to death the next day. Napoleon: the untold story!

Without prompting, the conald moved on to the subject of his extemporaneous meeting with pootin after the g20 dinner. After blathering on about the seating arrangements, the length of the table and the fact that mrs abe of japan couldn’t speak a lick of english (pot calling the kettle black, eh) he just toddled over to visit with melanoma who was seated next to pootin. With the help of a japanese translator (wouldn’t be my first choice when speaking with a rooskie but what do I know) they had a great discussion about russian adoptions, which was, in his words very interesting. You know you are in the upside down (see: stranger things on netflix) when rooskie adoptions are code for lifting sanctions against russian oligarchs. Surely even donjo finally figured that out after the hub bub over his meeting with that room full of sketchy slavs. But it is totally understood that he and dear ole dad never, no way, no how discussed that whole nothing burger.




meeting, what meeting

rooskie meeting-1

MJE has serious whiplash from the avalanche of absurdities that tumble out of the trumposhere on a daily or often hourly basis. The newest entry is right smack out of a rocky and bullwinkle cartoon. Just to bring MJE readers up to speed on the inhabitants of that fictional world I include below a short rundown:

 The lead characters and heroes of the series were Rocket “Rocky” J. Squirrel, a flying squirrel, and his best friend Bullwinkle J. Moose, a dim-witted but good-natured moose. The scheming villains in most episodes were the fiendish spies Boris Badenov, a pun on Boris Godunov, and Natasha Fatale, a pun on femme fatale. Other characters included Fearless Leader, the dictator of the fictitious nation of Pottsylvania and Boris and Natasha’s superiors, Gidney & Cloyd, little green men from the moon who were armed with scrooch guns; Captain Peter “Wrongway” Peachfuzz, the captain of the S.S. Andalusia; various U.S. government bureaucrats and politicians (such as Senator Fussmussen, a recurring character who opposed admitting Alaska and Hawaii to the union on grounds of his own xenophobia).

The latest real life rhubarb is a doozy. It starts with gob gallstone, our boris in this taudry tale. Gallstone is a corpulent music producer who works in russia and who has a history with donjo. He sets up a meeting with an alluring rooskie lawyer, ms putineska (our natasha) to hatch a plot to procure a compliant idiot (that would be our badass bullwinkle) inside the white house to be a submissive partner with pootin (fearless leader). Admittedly the list of potentially pliable quislings is boundless but they ultimately settled on donjo, the morally and intellectually challenged #1son of our dear leader. Boris dangled the offer of some of shrillary’s dirty knickers to entice donjo into meeting with an ever-growing list of sketchy slavs. The revelation of this meeting comes after months of righteous indignation from all conald-related hacks at the widely held suspicion that there was collusion between the conald’s campaign and russia.

MJE would like to put forth an hypothesis: the louder the conald & co.’s outrage over any given fact, the greater the likelihood it is true.

After being outed by the fake news purveyor new york times, donjo admitted that he, his bro-in-law jarred and the conald’s campaign manager pall manafart (a man too sleazy to even warrant a cartoon character) did indeed meet with ms. putineska among others. The rest of the colorful cast of characters crammed into this clown car include a russian pop star, a russian lobbyist and a translator. But there’s more! Turds continue to bob to the surface with every passing hour. The latest of which was interestingly enough, a rooskie real estate magnate with an unsavory history of laundering rubles through, among other things, fake bank accounts in delaware and, wait for it! acquiring properties in manhattan. Which brings us back to dough-re-mi…(with apologies to julie andrews).

The fat lady ain’t sung yet my friends, but MJE is pretty sure that the entire conald-pootin bromance begins and ends with one thing and one thing only: personal enrichment.



from russia with love

from russia with love-1

Okay, so yesterday the conald suggested that maybe the ruskies could find hill’s missing emails since they seem to be great! hackers. But MJE has a much better idea, how about they dig up the conald’s tax returns so we can all see how much russia means to his bottom line.

However, the conald seems to have an on again off again relationship with vlad (who, by the way was named for vlad the impaler, the figure upon whom dracula was based, which may or may not be true but since the conald has invited us into his fact free zone, enjoy). Last year the conald said that he and vlad were bff’s because they were both on the same 60 minutes broadcast. Nevermind the fact that the interviews were conducted on different continents. I guess in the conald’s mind if you are on a segment of a tv show that also has a segment on another person, then you both must in fact have been in the same place at the same time. And that you know one another. Really well.

That thought process reminds me of a discussion I heard on the radio about how literally children think. A psychologist related a story about a child flying for the first time who turned to her mother after take off and asked her when they were going to get tiny. It makes perfect sense, she sees airplanes in the sky and they are tiny…MJE agains turns to the good book for an apt quote “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I set aside childish ways.” (1 corinthians 13:11) Bless his ever-loving soul, I guess the conald just isn’t quite there yet.

But now the conald seems to have dropped vlad like a hot bowl of borscht, he said yesterday that not only does he not know him, but he doesn’t even know who he is…I will be the first to stand up and state that the conald has the intellectual curiosity of an eggplant but I will give him credit for at least knowing the name of the thug that runs russia. After all, several years ago the conald sold his (GREAT!!) russian miss universe pageant to one of vlad’s oligarch pals for a fat wad of rubles and even personally tweeted vlad an invite to the extravaganza. Sadly vlad was busy impaling a couple of ukrainians that night and couldn’t make it. But he did send the conald a nice thank you gift.

So, heads up you ruskie computer nerds, quit playing pacmaninoff and get to work! If you can hack the DNC and the departments of state and defense then why not the IRS for god’s sake. Just do it! We need to end this freak show and put the conald in america’s communal email trash can where he belongs.