my jaundiced eye

the absurdities of life

fast and furious

fast-and-furious

MJE is unable to keep up! I knew the conald said he’d work fast but who knew that within the first six weeks of his becoming president he’d go from having to fire his head nsa guy, to having his attorney general recuse himself from an investigation because he lied under oath during his confirmation hearing all the way to accusing obama of tapping his phone. The post MJE worked so hard on and was just about put up is now effectively obsolete. Thanks loads conald. And the whip lash is killing me.

I always thought he was off his nut, living in his own alternate reality but he is now in certifiable crazy land. Courtesy of course of his irritable bowel three am twitter feed. I read somewhere that his most irrational tweets tend to come on saturdays when ivanka and jared are observing the sabbath and unable to hit the delete button. Please kids, forget about the fricking sabbath and save the goddam country. Or at least ask yaweh to keep an eye on dear old dad while you are not doing whatever you’re not supposed to do on the sabbath. The united states of america just can’t take another one of pop’s unsupervised unhinged saturdays.

A spokesperson for former president obama delivered a beauty of a barbed denial, stating that “A cardinal rule of the obama administration was that no white house official ever interfered with any independent investigation led by the department of justice.” Snap! In one short sentence it denied the unfounded allegation and simultaneously indicated that if the doj had been investigating trump they had nothing to do with it. Yoo, hoo…doj, could you comment on your investigation of conald’s ties to russia? Oh, can’t say anything about any ongoing investigation or if there even is one? So you don’t deny that there might be an investigation into the conald’s ties to russia? Yikes, seems like the conald might have shot himself in the gucci with that tweet storm. SAD.

I can only guess that the intent of the wire tapping tweet was to deflect attention from the ever increasing number of campaign staff and advisors who have forgotten that they’d actually spoken with, met with or grabbed a pirozhki  with some russian official or other….I think the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders refers to this phenomenon as mass hysterical self-preservation amnesia. With regard to the conald’s mental state MJE understands that the soon to be published revised edition of the dsm required a separate appendix for that.

coronation of the conald

conalds-coronation

Sorry followers. this was to be published earlier this week so it’s sort of a let down now…just pretend that yesterday never happened. I know I am.

MJE has been ‘reaching out’ to my vast network of fashionistas, style icons, the kardashians and stallones, as well as to my dc insiders like the unpaid interns on capitol hill to get the scoop on what the inauguration holds for the millions of americans who await it with shock and awe.

My first bit of breaking news is that the theme of the entire day will be the coronation of louis XIV of france who reigned from 1643-1715. His moniker was “the sun king” which is fitting given the sunny hue of the pet as well as his taste for all things gilt. The fact that louis hailed from the house of bourbon probably doesn’t resonate with the tea totaling pet but the pomp, grandeur, ostentation and sense of entitlement more than make up for that. Pet too comes from a royal lineage hailing from queens.

My sources tell me that the pet will don a long powdered wig in a color described by famed hair colorist frederick fekkai as “sunset in america.” He will forgo louis’s silk stockings for the inauguration due to the predicted weather forecast and will instead don double weave cashmere stockings in a regal silver. His footwear for the inauguration will be slightly lower slippers than those traditionally worn by louis owing to the fact that he must be on his feet for at minimum an hour and insiders tell me he has notoriously low arches. He will wear a ceremonial cape of ermine and brocade embroidered with the trump family crest recently commissioned and created by the extremely talented artists at modernchilvary.org in shades of red, cream and blue highlighted in 24 carat gold thread.

Melanoma will follow the conald’s lead and has commissioned a subdued empire- waisted, marie antoinette inspired gown over which she will drape a full length vicuna cape. It is reported that she will wear her auburn mane in a high pouffe, or toque favored by the women of the 18th c. courts of france topped with a solid gold replica of trump tower. She will follow protocol and remain part of the background, entering the ceremony simply to hold the bible upon which the pet will place his left hand and vow to uphold the constitution of the united states. It has been confirmed that melanoma has been working with a team of learning disability professionals to bring the pet and herself up to speed on the basics of the constitution in advance of the inauguration. Short spark note presentations have been ongoing however there is no word on how successful that tutoring has been.

One big scoop that MJE can report is that the pet has commissioned a carriage designed in the style of that used by queen elizabeth to carry her to westminster abbey for her coronation in which he and melanoma will ride. The pet kept his campaign promise to keep jobs in America so it was constructed by the caterpillar corporation based in peoria illinois. Almost 1500 workers paid by the department of labor were employed as subcontractors and supervised by daughter invanka and sons don jr and eric who generously donated their management fees to the trump foundation. Not surprisingly, given their expertise, the project came in under the $10M budget and ahead of schedule. When not in use, trumpchariot 1 will be exhibited in the smithsonian museum of labor and industry as a model of american can do spirit. It is said that the reason that the carriage’s existence was kept a total secret until now is that the pet demanded that everyone involved in its commission sign confidentiality agreements and were forbidden to communicate with any members of the intelligence community.

After the president and first lady are comfortably ensconced in their gilded parade pavilion emblazoned throughout with the conald’s monogrammed initials, they will enjoy a short inaugural parade. The review was specifically designed not to exceed 45 minutes, as the new president becomes bored in long presentations. Parade planners were fortunate in this regard as almost 90% of the groups invited to participate declined.

There will of course be a long list of balls that evening where the louis XIV theme will continue to be de rigeur. Few specifics are available but anonymous transition sources assure MJE that the entire night will be incredibly great, greater than anything ever seen in us inaugural history. And thanks to the support of generous corporate donors will not cost the american taxpayers one thin dime.

Hail to the chief.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

medicare ma

medicare-ma

MJE just “enjoyed” another birthday. It was actually pretty great, my sistahood feted me with a wonderful surprise party. I ended the evening wearing a napkin wimple, a palm frond crown like the lemur king in madagascar and a pink sequined bra. I will leave the rest of it up to your depraved imaginations you sickos.

The next day, after a somewhat ragged morning I received an email from medicare ma letting me know what wonderful things she was bestowing upon me to keep me hale and hearty:

Name Eligibility Date
PAP TEST DR 02/01/2018
PELVIC 02/01/2018
ANNUAL WELLNESS VISIT 02/01/2017
ALCOHOL MISUSE SCREENING 01/01/2016
DEPRESSION SCREENING 01/01/2016
HIGH INTENSITY BEHAVIORAL COUNSELING 01/01/2016
OBESITY COUNSELING 01/01/2016
CARDIOVASCULAR DISEASE (BEHAVIORAL THERAPY) 01/01/2016
MAMMOGRAPHY 01/01/2016
COLORECTAL 01/01/2016
PAP TEST 01/01/2016
ABDOMINAL AORTIC ANEURYSM 01/01/2016
DIABETES 01/01/2016
CARDIOVASCULAR 01/01/2016

Well if that didn’t let the air out of my balloon I don’t know what would. It started out happy enough…annual wellness visit. Great! But it turns out that ma suspects that I am actually far from 100% given the rest of the recommended tests and screenings. I had no idea I was at such high risk for so many afflictions. Plus I am a year late on most of them which does explain a thing or two.

Alcohol misuse screening: MJE uses ethyl alcohol exactly as it was intended.

Depression screening: Not until I saw the above list.

High intensity behavioral counseling: I have no idea what that even means. Am I low intensity (or in PET’s words “low energy”)? It is true that I haven’t been exercising as much as I should which is probably why ma feels I might be in need of the obesity counseling.

Cardiovascular disease behavioral therapy: I hope that doesn’t mean I have to lay off the triple cream brie, butter and foie gras. If so I really don’t see the point in going on.

Mammography: Ma’s a day late and a dollar short on that one as you know if you’ve been a loyal MJE follower. And if she truly cared she’d know that too.

Colorectal: Ha ha, already did the crap in a box thing (ask your doc, it’s so much better than a colonoscopy, and I might add a real testament to american ingenuity) and I’m clean as a whistle.

Pap test (twice!) AND pelvic: Seriously? a speculum is the only thing that’s been in that neck of the woods for ages.

Abdominal aortic aneurysm: Does that mean that ma suspects that my stomach is about to blow? Yikes, better haul out the spanxs.

Diabetes: The only sugar I ingest can be attributed to the above proper use of alcohol.

Then one more cardiovascular something or other which I thought we took care of with the aforementioned behavioral therapy.

What about the fact that I am blind as a bat, deaf as a post and walk like chester in gunsmoke because of the arthritis in my hip. Or that my skin is thinner than japanese mulberry paper and I bruise like a week old banana. Or that my brain is like a magic 8 ball and every effort to remember anything results in “perhaps but ask again” or “signs point to yes” or “very doubtful” which is decidedly unhelpful when trying to find my glasses or think of my grandchildren’s names. What about those things ma? What about quality of life, huh? Why are you so focused on stuff like exploding abs and behavioral therapy for my heart, which frankly could use it as it has been in intensive care since nov. 8.

I appreciate your concern, but MJE’s got it all covered. Don’t need you to tell me how to behave, or what to eat or drink. I’ve made it so far without your “support” and suspect that I’ll manage to hang on for a few more years. Now if you would care to cover important things like botox, liposuction or facial peels then I am all ears.

MJE’s persian carpet

persian-rug

So another year come and gone without much to show for it. Fortunately, I have such very low expectations for myself that merely being awake for a time, then being asleep for a time and repeating that every 24 hours or so is enough. It’s great, I am never disappointed. Although I did just read the phantom tollbooth (which was hilarious and thought provoking, but not sure that in this day and age when language is limited to 140 characters it would be understood by most children, or some adults, SAD) and it gave me a momentary twinge about being such a physical and intellectual sloth. But nothing came of it.

As I write, the OB&C is on the phone relating to yet another person the tragic tale of his stolen truck. I would have thought that by now everyone on the planet must have heard about it, but apparently mike in mumbai didn’t yet get the news so is being subjected to the extra long version. He made the fatal mistake of begging the question “how may I help.” If mike’s paid by the call he just blew a whole night’s worth of rupees.

The other day MJE was reading an article from the new york times to the OB&C about melanoma trump’s new cause: cyber-bullying. He looked puzzled. After a long minute or so he turned and asked what exactly is “cyber-bullion.” That my friends, is a question only the gods can answer.

We’ve had the atl circus in town for a bit. Decibelle has made terrific strides and has become a creative and engaging child at long last. And just as forrest gump was always running, she is always skipping, which is a pretty nice thing in and of itself. Anywho, last night she was sitting at the kitchen table with her chin in her hands, musing about something or other and asked me if my mother was alive and I said no (I think knot and alhambra refer to death as being in heaven with the angels, which is surely not where my mother is, that I can tell you), then she asked if my father was alive and I said no. She digested that for a bit and piped up  “you don’t have a mommy and you don’t have a daddy so I guess that’s why you have a husband.” Out of the mouths of babes. Except she has it backwards, that’s why men have wives.

In the spirit of a new year, I thought MJE should try to move beyond a silly blog toward something more substantial . But then I remembered the article in the recent new yorker about ruth draper who wrote and performed short vignettes in the early twentieth century. Later in life she met henry james and asked him if he thought she should go to drama school and pursue a conventional career as an actress. She recalled that “He took a long time to answer,” then lowered his voice and said “no — my dear child. You –– you have woven your own — you have woven your own beautiful — beautiful little persian carpet. Stand on it!” And so I shall.

MJE wishes all of her loyal followers a better than average new year but short of that may the end of 2017 find us no worse off than we are today.

Low expectations.

 

all in the family

all-in-the-family

Okay so MJE was going to give p.e.t. a pass this week on his cabinet choices, but how can I pass up ben carson’s touting his having once lived in public housing as a child as qualifying him to head up the department of housing and urban development. Well with that low bar of skill sets as a template MJE puts forth for consideration the following candidates to round out the conald’s cabinet.

Let’s start with secretary of state. The conald is looking for someone who will minimize diplomacy and establish more “transactional” ties to other countries. On its face that seems to indicate that he would approach every alliance with an eye to cost vs benefit and winners vs losers. Even if that means that we disengage from nato because, in his mind, there are members whom he feels do not pay their fair share. The fact that this policy might well lead to the proliferation of nuclear capabilities by  countries to protect themselves from aggressive neighbors doesn’t not seem to be of concern. In fact, the conald says have at it and may the best arsenal win. Respectful cooperation is for losers.

So with that in mind MJE puts forth decibelle for the position. Her weaponry consists of just one extremely powerful weapon: her vocal chords. With one diamond-shattering howl she can bring an entire household (or grocery store, school room or if necessary, an american adversary) to its knees without a drop of blood being shed or a dollar spent. Talk about cost effective! She, like p.e.t. never concedes defeat and does not stop until she bends others to her will. Putin, abbas, kim jung il…run for cover and a pair of earplugs. You are doomed.

Now, let’s take a look at commerce. I hesitate to be so bold as to put my name forward, but frankly I am totally qualified. MJE spends an inordinate amount of time engaged in it, amazon, ebay, etsy…I know them all better than anyone else. I endure their unrelenting onslaught of advertising algorithms and emails without submission and in fairness, do buy locally whenever possible. That is when the price is lower, availability is better and ease of purchase is superior, which unfortunately means not much.

Secretary of the interior is a slam dunk: daughter albatross, If anyone cares more about the interior, that is her own, then no one does. She is dedicated to that cause to the exclusion of everything else.

Secretary of defense, see above re: decibelle.

National security advisor: ditto.

Secretary of transportation, alhambra our lsd (long suffering daughter in law) would be an excellent choice. She spends hours every day on our country’s crumbling roads and bridges toting her offspring hither and thither. A battle tested road warrior, she will insure that the infrastructure improvements required to make her carpools easier and drive times shorter will be given top priority.

Head of the faa: Son knot seems a good pick, he travels for business a lot and not on some tricked out private jet. He feels the pain of american flyers, the ridiculous hub and spoke system, the inflated flight times to cover delays and enable airlines to crow about their on-time records, the seemingly endless array of surcharges, the cramped seating and surly service, not to mention the disgusting flying public who dress as though they are either headed to bed or just woke up and haven’t had a chance to shower. The last bit is probably out of the purview of the federal government but MJE thought she’d throw that in because something really needs to be done about it.

Small business administration obviously goes to the OB&C. He has managed to assiduously keep our business small through outmoded product lines, inflated salaries, inadequate employee oversight, understaffing and inertia. A perfect fit for running a governmental agency.

Frankly, MJE is pretty sure I could fill the entire cabinet with members of my family and the country wouldn’t be any worse off than with the current picks. Admittedly none of us has any governmental experience or know how but that does not seem to be a prerequisite for appointment anyway.

Just like the family trump.

the conald’s cabinet of escoriosities

the-conalds-cabinet

MJE is watching in horror and despair at the conald’s cabinet choices. Big time climate change denier at EPA, minimum wage opponent at labor, and generals in every other post so far including one who traffics in fake news…does anyone smell a coup of some sort brewing, oh, right that already happened. On the bright side, and as my loyal readers know full well, MJE is nothing if not the eternal optimist, it is really, really fun to see the conald summon his former rivals and detractors to the top of his dung heap on fifth avenue, tease them with the notion that they night get a place at the table, then gleefully throw them to the wolves. But not before they they have abandoned their purported strong principles, very publicly ruined their reputations and proved themselves to be nothing more than craven, pathetic, sniveling, opportunistic politicians. How much fun do you think the conald is having watching this spectacle? For him there is nothing better than the sweet smell of revenge, except perhaps Trump Cologne for Men.

But it probably doesn’t matter whom he chooses, because as one talking head said, every one of them will simply be undersecretary to ivanka&jared inc. Good god almighty, how did the greatest nation on the planet (as we like to call ourselves) end up with a troika of a trash talking, know nothing buffoon, his spookily placid daughter (who btw talks like she is still wearing a retainer and has maxed out on xanax) and her behind the scenes puppet master husband running the show? As they say in limbo land: “How low can you go?” Well, the answer my friends, is self-evident: pretty damned low.

And I haven’t even gotten to the conflict of interest part…the conald the president is now also the conald the landlord of his d.c. hotel, as well as the boss of the boss of the irs which is currently purportedly auditing his income taxes. Also our head of state with the ability and willingness to put the profitability of his companies before the best interests of the country. He allows his daughter to sit in on a diplomatic visit from the pm of japan whilst her company is in negotiation with a major japanese distributor of her trashy wares which happens to be largely owned by the japanese government. And now it has been reported that the conald will remain as executive producer on the apprentice reality show therefore sharing in the profits. Honestly, even stanley kubrick couldn’t make up a comedy this dark.

But as the aphorism goes, you get the government you deserve. When the coal mines don’t reopen, the steel mills don’t fire back up, the mexicans are still here, the muslims aren’t banned, the country isn’t majority white, companies and jobs still leave the country for cheaper places to operate and america is not in fact any greater than it is right now, don’t look at me.

And if things maybe actually get worse for the very people who put their foolish hopes and dreams in the hands of a man who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about any of them then I could go on twitter and say I told you so, if it weren’t so truly trumpian.

SAD

 

time-to-move-on

The OB&C, as my loyal readers know, has recently suffered possibly the greatest loss in his life, short of his libido, the theft of his 2001 chevy silverado truck (273,428 miles). Initially he was virtually comatose, lying face down, christ-like, in the empty driveway wallowing in the last lingering puddle of transmission fluid, his sole remaining link to his beloved v6.

This catastrophe befell him on the friday before thanksgiving which he and MJE were to enjoy a deux (for the first time in almost half a century, no parents, children, grandchildren or other troublesome family members) in south carolina. MJE was meanwhile doing yeoman’s duty in atl watching the three gk’s: decibelle, apricot and seymour for the weekend when this dastardly deed was done. I was therefore unable to help pry him off the cement, wipe his filthy face and drag him into the apartment to suffer, away from the prying eyes of the neighbors. This situation, despite my physical absence, demanded immediate action requiring feats of psychological manipulation and financial slight of hand not seen since the demise of bernie madoff. No time to stand idly by and watch this unfortunate occurrence derail the historic thanksgiving to be, not to mention render our insanely expensive budget-busting mail order “heritage” turkey undeliverable. When I heard the terrifying words “You will need to fly down here, I cannot leave.” the four horsemen of the apocalypse nipping at my ass could not have made me move any faster.

As much as MJE loathes technology, there are times of crisis when it can make the difference between success and abject failure, like when you can upload a term paper on the reformation the day before it is due. Autotrader.com. was created for times like these. In minutes I had located a perfectly suitable replacement in the nola environs, contacted the sales manager, negotiated a price and issued explicit instructions that the OB&C was to be sold this truck and no other. If he wasn’t the new owner of that truck by closing time the deal was off. Furthermore, if I were made to fly down there, I would make it my business to pay him a call and assured him that a visit from an enraged MJE was the last thing he would want. The guy seemed suitably impressed with the menacing tone of my directive that he assured me he would fully comply.

Next step was to rouse the OB&C from his immobilizing melancholia and get him to the dealership. I tantalized him with a link to the new truck, which at least got him off the pavement. As much as any man mourns the loss of his old truck, or wife for that matter, the notion of a newer model is pretty enticing. So like any small child, the possibility of getting a desired toy can overcome even the strongest resistance to a bath, or a wee wee before a long drive; the lure of the smell of new vinyl ultimately proved more powerful than the familiar stench of dirty hunting socks and bug repellent.

And so the OB&C has turned the page but has not yet fully recovered, and probably never will. That old chevy will always be part of him and the driveway cement.

In the end he and the turkey arrived in time and we had a perfectly awful thanksgiving.

a devastating loss

a-devastatibg-loss

It is with an extremely heavy heart that MJE has to inform my readers of a devastating loss suffered by the OB&C. On Saturday last his beloved 2001 S150 chevy truck was stolen from the driveway in nola in an act that can only be described as wantonly malicious, cruel and idiotic. His agony was compounded by the fact that he had within the truck triple backups to everything he might need should he suffer a zombie attack or the apocalypse. Plus his spare keys to not only the truck but to every other lock he has ever come into contact with during the course of his lifetime, including but not limited to his lab at the university of washington from 1988, his lab at tulane dating from 1992, his prior truck, a ford ranger which was melted down in 1996, three boat sheds, a storage unit, the current lab, the apartment, two houses (well four if you include the two houses we used to own), two gates, his bike and a friend’s roof rack.

If memory serves, he also had three tire jacks, a large collection of music cassette tapes, about twelve bungee cords, copies of the home loan statements of two houses, a six pack of paper shop towels, two or three cans of wd-40, graphite, motor oil, gasoline additive, jumper cables, tow cables, a battery tester, three large boxes of tools, a 12’X16’ tarp, an air compressor, a rain poncho, a pair of hunting chest waders and assorted cammo attire, orange plastic hunting tape, two air horns, a bag of satsumas, a three pack of beanie weenies, a couple of quarts of gator aid, several rolls of duct and masking tape, a case of bottled water, bug spray, a big tube of gold bond exzema cream, at least five chap sticks, sharpies, lots of flashlights and extra batteries, ball point pens, small notebooks for jotting down brilliant thoughts, tire gauges, a box of extra large contractor bags, and last but not least checks for a total of $53K which were endorsed and ready for deposit in the company account, on the dashboard. If we’re lucky he didn’t have a copy of his social security card and the folder with all of our passwords in there, but I wouldn’t be surprised.

If there are seven stages of grief, the OB&C has strung that out to at least eighty-two and he’s still on number one. When he noticed that the truck was missing, after having ridden his bike by the empty driveway twice, he borrowed a neighbor’s car and drove all over town looking for it. He even followed some poor man whose truck sort of looked like his but not really, honking and flashing his lights but lost him on the expressway. He is now convinced it was stolen by an hispanic who has now driven it to guatamala where he believes that that particular make, model and year are in very high demand. How he got that notion into his head is anyone’s guess, but I can guarantee that no one will ever be able to disabuse him of it.

The good news is we don’t think the truck was damaged in the heist as there was no broken glass on the empty parking spot. The thief was obviously not only a professional but also extremely clever as he managed to find the hide a key ingeniously hidden under the driver’s side wheel hub. Just goes to show, no mater how shrewd you are, there is always someone who is one step ahead.

MJE is worn out just describing this ordeal and I haven’t even gotten to the part about getting the OB&C out of his state of suspended animation and onto the next stage of grief. Stay tuned, it’s riveting. And exhausting. I need a drink.

president-elect trump

president-trump-1

So working my way through the stages of grief after the election of the conald as president. I don’t even know what the stages are but I am pretty sure that I am not very far along. Trying to read the tea leaves in the conald’s selection of members of his transition team which is a crazy quilt of insiders, outsiders and know-nothings. MJE was heartened that the omnipresent campaign sycophant and speech background obscurer c biggie c was summarily dumped from the team’s top teir. May have something to do with the fact that he indicted, convicted and sentenced the conald’s son-in-law’s father to a rather long stretch in the pen for some sort of criminal malfeasance. I suppose it made him feel like a big-shot at the time but turns out it was a big shot in the foot. Ouch.

So the good mr pence has stepped in to oversee the ragtag lot. Better watch his step, don’t want to step on any of those trumpets toes…I’m no historian but I would venture to guess that this is the first presidential transition team that has the children of the candidate as primary advisors, because there are no competent professional governmental experts to rely on? MJE can only speculate that perhaps their primary job is to keep daddy from appointing anyone to key white house positions that might be beyond the pale.

Mission impossible. Blood may be thicker than water but not thick enough in politics. Crazier heads have prevailed and steve bannon, ceo of breitbart news a leading purveyor of alt-right news who helped the conald “hone his message” of anti-immigrant, anti-muslim, misogyny etc. has been picked to become “chief strategist.” For a man so obsessed with image, it seems odd that the conald would choose someone who looks like he was just dragged out of a skid row gutter.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but the conald’s vagaries in staff appointments, in addition to his total ignorance of the basics of governance is truly frightening. His support for far right wing ideology has latinos, gays, muslims and those who condemn hate speech protesting and fearing for their future and the future of their country.

On the other hand, the government has managed to do almost nothing for the last four years so let’s just hope that trend continues.   #stasisrocks!

 

 

and the winner is…

 

 

and the winner is....-1.jpg